›› That was the start of ruining relationships. It felt like a cost-benefit analysis for the rest of my life. I was rearranging my existence to focus on my passions and become a better filmmaker. For friends and family the gauntlet was thrown: Either be a part of my life, or I might not be a part of yours. Invitations stopped coming once I said “no” for the third or fourth time. I no longer received calls from people I’d known for years, but from strangers I had met on set or in film class at Lowry.
They knew my passions, because we shared them. My girlfriend of six years was becoming a stranger in my new world. Five months into the Community College of Aurora’s immersive 10-month program at the Colorado Film School, I realized that the relationships that I had going into school may not be the same that I’d have coming out. The relationships that I had, the girlfriend, too, felt like an appendix. They were painful to remove, but my life would continue on without them, just in a different way.
Film school is hard as shit. The first call was production or writing, critiquing work from other classmates, or worse, critiques from others. I strived to learn from others’ criticism, although some didn’t feel the same way.
“My shit stinks; tell me why,” I said. “I need to improve.”
Candid criticism created better bedfellows for me, I learned. When you’re sitting in a classroom, you’re not a professional — I was here to learn and hear honest feedback. Film is a subjective art form. Classmates complemented fellow filmmakers on productions that lacked story or bad decisions they had made, just to spare their feelings. If someone doesn’t like my work, then I want to hear why. I helped once on a feature documentary, “Project Canada,” that lasted a whole summer in our northern neighbor’s front yard, but I always wanted to tell my own story. I was an autodidact when it came to filmmaking: I went my own way until someone told me I was doing the wrong thing. My early attempts were poor. I can say that now. It takes a complete understanding of every aspect of filmmaking to create good work: pre-production, production, post-production, all of that’s taken for granted when you’re watching a movie. Making a film is different than watching one.
I was learning all the aspects of the process. I took an acting class. I didn’t want to be an actor. But when it comes to good filmmaking, it helps to empathize with every job on set.
And when I get on set, adrenaline pushes me past any feelings or sadness that comes from giving up so much to learn even more. I became an addict. Film school became a drug. Like any drug, it’s best to observe moderation, but I didn’t stop. I remember setting up my first project, when my grade and credibility at the school were on the line. Fifteen people were depending on me the following morning. And you know what happened? I had a full-blown, five-alarm panic attack. Not the kind you have before Tax Day. The kind that calls for a doctor, an emergency room, and sedatives with names hard to pronounce.
That underscored the rule of pre-production: Plan as best you can. Then, rely on experience and knowledge when the camera starts to roll. You can only hope for the best.The person I became after surviving the Colorado Film School wasn’t the person I was going into it.
Better off now? You bet. Anything’s possible after you learn to handle enough stress to make your hair fall out.
It was the start of ruining relationships. But it was the beginning of building ones that I’ll have from now on.