EXIT STRATEGY: It’s Not Just Aurora, Everywhere is Terrible

Quick. Name the veritable armpit of the metro area.

No, it is not Aurora. Since you’re likely from these parts, you would already know that. And set aside the fact that the city is currently undertaking a pricey marketing campaign to persuade others that Aurora does not suck, or that it doesn’t suck as bad as what metro residents outside of Aurora think it does.

After decades of denial that would put to shame any alcoholic who holds down a job and pays rent kind of on time, city leaders during the past few years have realized — more accurately, they’ve finally admitted — that Aurora has an image problem.

I know. It’s been a shock to a lot of people. It was sort of a case of Aurora wandering all over the place with toilet paper fluttering off its shoe heel. “What? What are you laughing at?”
But unlike the petty sister who just laughs behind your back as you unknowingly drag a few miles of TP behind your shoe, Aurora’s mean and nasty step-sisters have constantly been in our face pointing out the city’s shortcomings: gangs, sprawl, traffic, cheap condos and apartments, barren yards and plenty of poor people. What most metro dwellers didn’t realize is that those questionable traits are shared among just about every other Front Range community.

For some reason, Denver TV stations and newspapers for years were smitten with using “Aurora” in every lead and headline involving everything from flat tires to drive-by shootings, whereas “Denver” was rarely used in headlines or TV leads because they’re Denver media, and it seemed redundant. I’m not making this up.

Quick. Name the veritable armpit of the metro area.
No, it is not Aurora.

At one point, Aurora actually counted Denver newspaper headlines and TV broadcasts for months and then took their research Downtown to make a change. Nothing happened. What did happen is that people started realizing that Aurora may have four times the bad news as other Denver suburbs, because it’s four times bigger than other metro cities. It’s the third-largest city in the state and gaining on No. 2, Colorado Springs.

Alas, it’s been too little, too late. The damage was done long ago.

About 20 years ago, I needed to borrow my brother’s truck to move a free barbecuer (Coloradospeke for grill) or some stolen horses or something. I told him I’d make the move early, then bring his truck back to his house after I got off work from the newspaper in Aurora.

“You’re not going to park my truck in Aurora,” he snapped too fast. “They’ll strip it down to fenders before lunch.”

That’s pretty much the attitude I got from all kinds of people who’d ask all the time if I was afraid working out here.

The attitude problem was widespread. Realtors who sold homes in Aurora were forever battling those who didn’t, who would badmouth the city to buyers. They’d get the scrunchy face from a Denver or Lakewood agent that would faux-whisper, “Oh, you don’t want to buy out there…”
Meanwhile, most city hoohaws would just roll their eyes when they heard these tales and say what lies all those disparages were and then change the subject. The logic was that if you didn’t address the problem or publicly fight back against it, it would either go away or just really didn’t matter all that much anyway.

Well, that was then. Now, the city’s pouring more than $300,000 into a plan to influence people outside Aurora who think the city is gross that they’re dead wrong. Risking the virtual “are you still beating your wife” marketing dilemma, the city has paid Adrenaline Marketing to create this flash of brilliance: “Aurora: Worth Discovering.”

Oy.

Now you and your neighbors know that the list of things Aurora has going for it is much longer than the list of half-truths and disses. The city has trees, wide roads without potholes, top cops, an Air Force base, one of the best medical schools in the world, safe streets and neighborhoods, a gazillion parks and swanky homes just like everywhere else. And the city wants to spend a pile of dough to spread the word.

Alas, it’s been too little, too late. The damage was done long ago.

I doubt this approach will do much. It misses the brilliance of a much better marketing strategy: The best defense is a good offense.

So let me be the Offender in Chief here. Honesty is the best policy, and honestly admitting Aurora’s shortcomings is the wisest choice. Aurora has the best ethnic eateries in the state, but it also has more chains and fast food than all the malls in California. We have a lot of sketchy people kill each other here, same as everywhere else, but the city does seem to produce some major losers. We have some of the best theater in the region, if not the country, and a cultural cache that’s embarrassing for a city one-tenth our size.

Fess up, Aurora. We’ve got work to do. But you know what? Commerce City sucks worse. Well, it really doesn’t suck so much as it smells. Don’t lie. The smell of money coming from the refineries lined up on I-270 is enough to make you gag even miles away. If Aurora’s looking for a winning slogan, it could be, “Yeah, we got three-story walk-ups, but we don’t smell like Commerce City!”

I doubt this approach will do much. It misses the brilliance of a much better marketing strategy: The best defense is a good offense.

Denver? Worst streets ever. Aurora may have plenty of fence canyons, but as least we don’t have road craters all over the city. Third-world countries have better streets than Federal and Colorado boulevards and the war-torn Monaco Parkway. And Aurora doesn’t have any parking Nazis. Denver employs an army of them to help shore up a budget already thickly padded by ripping off suburban taxpayers. The Queen City of the Plains is the King of Thieves in the metro area. How do you know when you’ve reached Denver’s side of Colfax? The road is paved with promises instead of asphalt. This is a city that pretends it doesn’t include the OTHER side of Stapleton, Montbello, the mess around Alameda and Zuni and the heartbreak of Bear Creek.

And on the far side of Denver? Lakewood, a city where fast food and car dealers go to die. They can’t even keep their streets straight.

Wheat Ridge? A city without sidewalks or enough cash to buy streetlights. If you’re missing teeth and the freedom and thrills of a Kentucky holler, there’s a Wheat Ridge lean-to waiting for you.

Westminster? The K-Mart of the metro area. They snagged a Martha Stewart line and thought they were Macy’s. In a region where you just can’t build enough shopping centers, the implosion of the Westminster Mall is still hot from that nuclear meltdown.

If Aurora’s looking for a winning slogan, it could be, “Yeah, we got three-story walk-ups, but we don’t smell like Commerce City!”

Littleton? Oh, geez. Who wants to live in a place where more people than not actually fought in the Civil War and everyone drives away from every day?

See what I mean, Aurora? This isn’t so hard. A little deflection never hurt anyone.

Join in. You know how you feel about the vast wasteland of unincorporated Adams County: Arkansas swamps without good home cooking. Thornton? Like a Family Dollar. Greenwood Village? A magnet for people infatuated with beige and spend money on North Face bedroom slippers. The kind of people you would never write home about.

See? Sneer if you want. Make fun of Aurora’s penchant for Hardie Board barrios. Gasp at the endless sea of composition shingle stretching ever closer to Kansas. But I know where everyone’s dirty little secrets aren’t hidden. I know where all that aluminum wiring was installed. Where those painted asphalt medians thrive. I’m not afraid to tell.

And getting the feeling that I’m not welcome anywhere anymore, I’m outta here.