Oh, hellzyeah. Saudi Aurora is back — and it’s badder than ever.
That’s thanks to Councilmember Danielle Jurinsky, A-Town’s strong-arm-of-the-lawmakers who’s kicking criminal butt — no matter the cost.
Got popped for trying to swipe those tires at Walmart? Get ready for the joint, lady, cause it’s three days and longer in the town calaboose.
Thought it would be cool and funny to slip into that puffing car outside the 7-Eleven that cold winter day and drive it off to work? Well, welcome to 30 days in the town digger, perp.
Yup, thanks to Councilmember Judge n’ Jurinsky, everybody’s going to the gray bar hotel these days.
A-town used to be known as Saudi Aurora long ago when folks downstream of us were laughing at the “Aurora One Tree,” the miles and miles of landscapeless streets, and yawning beige homes.
Not any more.
With Officer Jurinsky and Deputy Dustin “Dust ‘Em” Zvonek on it for the record, Saudi Aurora is gonna be out there busting heads instead of bargaining pleas.
Don’t be asking how much all this in-car-sir-ation is going to be costing taxpayers, because cost and consequences are no matters to mind here in Saudi Aurora.
We found that out this week when the town cabal pushed through a new edict that will force judges to put anyone in the crowbar hotel for shoplifting and swiping stuff amounting to $300 or more.
When some liberal lawmakers asked how much all this will cost and who’s going to be going to the bucket, Jailing Jurinsky cool-schooled ‘em in what’s what.
She said that kind of talk is just a bunch of socialistic equity poo from low-life Amnesty International types “siding with criminals,” according to a story in this Sentinel liberal rag, the bird-cage liner of Colorado that’s always asking questions and demanding proof of stuff.
“I am not going to let this ordinance be hijacked to continue to talk about the criminals in this city,” Jurinsky said. “The message has been made very clear … (that if) you commit any theft in this city, you are going to jail. That is the message. And for my colleagues that want to continue to talk about the criminals and side with the criminals, have at it.”
So the vote from Team Right was, oh-hell-you-know-it.
If this thing costs taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars, or even millions, well, cry Jurinsky a liberal river.
If this thing costs a mint and still doesn’t do a damn thing to keep people from lifting lingerie and laptops?
Them are the breaks.
Even though Jumping Jurinsky can’t cite a single reputable study showing that locking up thieves, and even damn thieves, keeps people from stealing, this isn’t about results.
It’s about getting on the right-wingiest local stalk-radio shows and yellin’ and screamin’ and making it look like Saudi Aurora is as serious as Saudi Arabia, where thieves have fewer fingers and liberal rags have fewer stories.
Jailerinsky is making it clear Team Redlight won’t never have to worry no more about those pesky soft judges that put criminals into diversion programs instead of con colleges, just so they can get jobs someday.
Force those damn shoplifters into the joint with that Good Book justice. Pay no mind that the GOP guy Jurinsky is backing for Colorado attorney general is using your tax dollars on a website dashboard that shows how effective diversion programs are at stopping criminals after their first bust and keeping them from a life of crime.
Diversion programs, community service and restitution don’t move the radio dial.
And when all this comes out that it costs serious money to put on this kind of performance art, and that serious businesses want no business doing business with a city run by hot-headed jail jockeys, and that places next to and near Saudi Aurora have the same problems and successes without stoning evildoers or executing sorcerers, well, hell.
We can just go back to being A-Town.