›› I have secrets. You have secrets. We all can agree that everyone has delicious little, sometimes-dirty secrets. I pick cherries off the tops of cakes. You don’t change the channel fast enough when Kate Upton comes on. We pick our noses.

I have a secret: I don’t particularly like “car movies.” In fact, I despise them. I’d rather stare dry-eyed at afterschool specials with my eyelids taped open than see “Gone in 60 Seconds” again. Helen Hunt’s 1970s gainer on a head full of LSD is better acting than Nicholas Cage did in that entire film.

The exception — of course there’s one — is “Ronin.” Nowadays, I may fantasize a little too much about it, but when you’re 16 — like I was when that movie came out — you fantasize about pretty much everything. Same goes for the star of “Ronin.” Not Robert DeNiro, thank you. The Audi.

Specifically, the Audi S8. I didn’t even know if that car was available in the United States when that movie came out in 1998. I didn’t care. The idea of piloting a European super-sedan, whizzing through narrow streets, blowing doors off Peugeots, and ramming Renaults nearly had me at the embassy bars, willing to renounce my U.S. citizenship for somewhere, anywhere, with old buildings. Do they have McDonald’s in Albania?

Alas, it’s 15 years later. DeNiro has made precious few good movies since, and I’ve matured and traveled enough to realize Renaults suck. The doors fall off of Peugeots naturally.

But the S8 remains. I find myself in southern California, face to face with my dream drive from 1998, sexified for 2013. It’s appropriate, too. The Audi S8 is really a fantasy to begin with.

The specs read like a dare by a drunk physicist: 4,600 lbs. dry to 60 mph slicing through air in 3.9 seconds. Fit the engine in a space no deeper than a 12-pack.

Hiccup.

It’s true, too. The 4-liter, twin-turbocharged V8 that Audi developed specifically for the super sedan is no deeper than a case of Budweiser. It’s so special a variant is used in the Bentley Continental GT, and they shipped a version to be encased in the Smithsonian forever. Or they should. That’s because the engine is very nearly unbelievable. Audi flew the German chief of V8 and V10 engine development, Jurgen Koenigstedt, to California to describe the method behind his monster.

“It’s a logical combination of efficiency and performance,” he said. How German. Among the 520 horsepower the engine produces, and the eight forward gears of transmission the engine is buttoned to, is a cylinder shutoff mechanism that saves fuel when you’re not flooring it. Does it need to shut down cylinders? Probably not. But the difference between what you want in this car and what you need is large enough, for, well, one of these. The S8 thrives through excess in its multitude of systems, even “cylinder on demand,” as Audi calls it.

That process is explained to us, and it’s very clever. I’ll spare you the details, but it’s a system so rife with details and precise actuation that it makes NASA look sloppy.

This machine is a superlative. Rocketing from 0-60 mph in a shade under 4 seconds (Audi even says that it’s underestimated that mark, claiming 3.7 seconds officially, but unofficially faster) the S8 is inadvertently faster than its halo, two-seater sportscar platform-mate, the Audi R8, was when it was launched a few years ago. That car, a haute couture speed machine looks the part too; two doors, mid-engined, mouth open as it screams down the interstate. The S8 looks somewhat pedantic in comparison — that is, until you get whiplash on takeoff.

The exterior isn’t your typical “I’m-fast-and-I know-it” fare. The Audi S8 is the perfect silent assassin when it comes to exterior features. The four doors and sheet metal scream executive sedan, whereas the only hint of its insane speed is found in the S8’s quad-tipped rear exhaust.

You remember the part in “Ronin” where the driver slides around a corner, chasing the case in narrow city streets somewhere around France? Well, that’s not actually going to happen in the 2013 edition. Whereas the engine is a rifle-exact symphony of precision and speed, the chassis and handling is just a cold-calculated killer.

The standard sport differential and all-aluminum space-frame construction are equally to blame for a supreme combination of lightweight materials and power at the right corner all the time. The S8 comes standard with Audi’s proprietary Quattro all-wheel drive system, which currently has a monopoly on keeping me alive through this corner.

And while there are a few fine corners around here in southern California, I can’t help but remember “Ronin” in times like these. Would DeNiro have the wherewithal to actually fire a rocket out of this car if he had to stand on the full Alcantara leather seats? Would he care what’s in the case if he could listen to the optional (and very awesome) 19-speaker Bang & Olufsen stereo?

Doubtful. But at $110,000 to start, if he owned an Audi S8 he likely wouldn’t be a mercenary such as he was in the movie.

But for that money, you, too, can own a secret. Your four-door sedan is faster than hell.