PERRYBLOG: Cruz-ing to the good-ol’ life when the GOP conquers the Senate

In case you were wondering, here’s what the next two years look like in Washington if the GOP regains control of the Senate, so says Texas Senator Ted Cruz, champing at the bit to give Democrat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid the boot:

1.Jobs for everyone! We’re all going to work for Exxon et al, folks. No more stupid environmental restrictions on drilling and fracking. No more coal-burning restrictions, so we can get West Virginians all back in the mines. Global climate change? Phooey. Just a conspiracy of impotent egg heads and Democrats. If you like what life is like in Beijing, you’re gonna love Cruz Control.

2. So long Obamacare! Hell or high water, the GOP Senate is gonna nuke it. The correct answer is allowing insurance companies to go back to canceling you when you need benefits, doctors and hospitals that can do what they want without fear of being sued for little niggling things, like giving their nurses Ebola, and no sissy regulations on how much everyone can charge you or what they have to cover you for. If you don’t want health insurance because you’re healthy, then don’t get it. Of course don’t come crying to Cruz when you get sick and nobody will treat you. You want insurance for things like hip replacements or treatment for breast cancer, then pay up. Nothing wrong with working extra jobs to protect your health. Yesiree, the sky’s gonna be the limit for the healthcare industry. For consumers? Not so much.

3. Here’s the biggie, folks. We’re sealing the borders and sending the Mexicans home. Everybody without a U.S. birth certificate either leaves or goes underground until we can catch ‘em. If you say, “por que?” I say, “butter — have a green card, Pablo, and learn ya’ some English.” When little kids show up at the barbed wire fences or try sneaking across the desert, we just drag ‘em right back over the border and let the Mexicans deal with the mess they made by letting the hoodlums into their country to begin with. With 12 million illegal immigrants here, it’s gonna be jobs for everyone just hunting down all the illegals and getting ‘em into box cars for shipment to Mexico.

4. End liberal judicial activism. Conservative judicial activism is OK, but no more homo marriage crap. If the Good Lord had wanted men to kiss men, he wouldn’t have invented Las Vegas brothels.

6. No more corporate welfare, except in the case of lower taxes, corporate personhood rights and Texas oil interests.

7. Abolish the IRS. Any questions?

8. Pass a balanced budget amendment and impose it no matter the consequences. Suck it up, poor people and lazy Social Security leaches.

9. Repeal Common Core. If Southern states want ignorant children, it’s their God-given right. We don’t want no liberal White House trying to tell our children crap about using long, fancy words or that using a few gallons of crude oil is heating up the planet. (By the way, Brits recently estimated humans have burned through about 944 billion barrels of oil since they started seriously drilling for it in the 1800s)

10. Get tough with ISIL by revoking the passports of American teenagers who want to join the terrorists. Despite the massive federal budget deficit, make the military bigger and kick some butt like we did in Iraq and Afghanistan when a real man was president.

I may have left out a few things, such as prosecuting Hillary Clinton for murder in the Benghazi thing and replacing wind mills with oil wells, so you can see for yourself what Cruz wrote for the Sunday edition of USA Today:

By U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, Texas

Here are ten critical priorities for the 2015 Congress:

First, embrace a big pro-jobs, growth agenda. For six years, the Obama economy has been trapped in stagnation, hurting millions. A Republican Congress should immediately help Americans get more jobs by embracing America’s energy renaissance. This means passing legislation to make it easier to build energy infrastructure, such as the Keystone pipeline. But, we need an energy policy that’s bigger than Keystone. An effective energy plan would also protect innovative energy technology, such as hydraulic fracturing, from being handcuffed by the federal government. We can also open up land for exploration and ensure that American companies can export liquefied natural gas around the world. And, lastly, stop the EPA from implementing rules that will destroy coal jobs and drive up our electricity bills.

Second, pursue all means possible to repeal Obamacare. There is a reason Obamacare has miserable 37% approval ratings: it has caused millions to lose their jobs, be forced into part-time work, lose their health insurance, lose their doctors, and pay skyrocketing premiums. It simply isn’t working. We should pass repeal legislation (forcing an Obama veto), and then pass bill after bill to mitigate the harms of Obamacare. Prevent people from having their healthcare plans cancelled, prohibit insurance company bailouts, eliminate the provisions forcing people into part-time work, and repeal the individual mandate.

Perhaps, President Obama vetoes every one. But each has powerful appeal with the electorate who are hurting under this law, and Democratic senators may not be quite so eager to join their 2014 colleagues in losing their jobs over Obama’s refusal to listen to the people.

In 2017, I believe a Republican president will repeal Obamacare in its entirety. In the interim, we should pass positive healthcare reform to start over, allowing the purchase of insurance across state lines, expanding health savings accounts, and making health insurance, personal, portable, and affordable.

Third, secure the border and stop illegal amnesty.Today, we’re facing a humanitarian crisis of 90,000 unaccompanied children at the border, along with growing national security threats. We should welcome and celebrate legal immigrants who follow the rules, and at the same time honor the will of the people and prevent any more illegal amnesty.

Fourth, hold government accountable and rein in judicial activism.We need real oversight of the administration’s lawlessness and abuse of power. The IRS’s illegal targeting of citizen groups, the wanton violation of religious liberty and privacy rights, the lawless implementation of Obamacare, the EPA’s assault on manufacturing jobs and war on coal, and the debacle of Benghazi — all should be the subject of careful, sober Senate hearings.

And the Senate should stop confirming activist judges who will impose their own policy preferences, such as striking down state marriage laws. We must uphold the Constitution.

Fifth, stop the culture of corruption. Crony capitalists are standing in the way of commonsense reforms, whether it’s abolishing the Export-Import Bank or keeping the Internet tax-free forever and unconstrained by job-killing regulations. We can stop the Washington corruption, in part, by reining in corporate welfare, imposing a lifetime ban on members of Congress becoming lobbyists, and fighting to pass a constitutional amendment to require term limits for Congress.

Sixth, pass fundamental tax reform, making taxes flatter, simpler, and fairer. Moving towards a simple flat tax would treat all Americans more fairly and end the massive time and costs wasted in dealing with the IRS; we should let taxes become so simple that they could be filled out on a postcard. Ultimately, with a Republican president, we should abolish the IRS and end its abuse of power and violation of Americans’ constitutional rights.

Seventh, audit the Federal Reserve. Americans are seeing near-zero interest rates on their savings accounts while median incomes are falling, and millions of people are facing higher gas prices, food prices, electricity prices, health insurance prices. Enough is enough, the Federal Reserve needs to open its books — Americans deserve a sound and stable dollar.

Eighth, pass a strong balanced budget amendment. We should pass a balanced budget amendment to the Constitution to stop out-of-control spending by Congress and the president. More than $17 trillion in national debt shows how badly we need structural reforms to stop bankrupting our kids and grandkids.

Ninth, repeal Common Core, so that local curriculum is not mandated by Washington bureaucrats. We should also do all we can to expand educational choices for parents and children and allow every child access to a quality education, regardless of race, class, or zip code.

Tenth, deal seriously with the twin threats of ISIL and a nuclear Iran, including passing legislation that strips American citizens who join ISIL of their U.S. passports so they cannot return home and wage jihad against innocent men and women. We must rebuild our military, protect our nation, and restore America’s leadership in the world.

We should lead boldly. No Washington games. We will either pass a serious agenda to address the real priorities of the American people — protecting our constitutional rights and pulling us back from the fiscal and economic cliff — or the Democrats will filibuster or veto these bills. And, if they do so, we will have transparency and accountability for the very next election.

Ted Cruz is a Republican senator from Texas.