Dear fellow employees:
The noble Supreme Court decision this morning, ensuring that the Creator and not the Obamanator dictate your health care plan, brings good news — to us.
I’m sure you’re aware that the better-than-average-people who own the Hobby Lobby women’s emporium were saddened and dismayed that Obamanation Care forced them to offer birth control to female employees, who have graciously been offered positions there. They, like the rest of us who not only read the Good Book but live it, know that birth control for womenfolk means two things: wanton tarts doing salacious things when they’re not at work, and uppity wives empowered to decide when the brood should arrive, rather than the man of the house or the Man Upstairs.
It’s not that Hobby Lobby, nor I, would dare to intervene in your personal lives, because as devout-ees, we’re rugged individualists. In respect for my religion, however, I must thank the five, clear-thinking Supreme Court Justices who get it — the religious thing. They understand that things like ulcers, alopecia, Saturday night headaches and erectile dysfunction are medical problems that warrant real medical care. And they understand that a little pill that interrupts Aunt Rosie visits or casual uterine implants have nothing to do with medicine, any more so than does a woman who just can’t handle her monthlies and keep them to herself. The Good Book makes it clear that it was women’s original sin that brought cramps and endometriosis upon their kind, not The Company.
Thanks to Justice Scalia et al, I think you’ll understand now that it isn’t The Supervisors who need to intervene in what is and isn’t covered in health care, it’s The Guy.
So I’m sure you’ll all agree with me that nothing but good will come from our decision to require our health-care provider to drop coverage for any drinking-related ailments, as well as any treatment for sexually transmitted diseases. Likewise, any treatment needed for smoking or tobacco-related issues is not covered by our medical plan. If you have been smite with lung cancer or COPD for your irresponsible and evil ways, we suggest you repent rather than undergo costly chemotherapy. Clearly, medical attention for those vices and sins is offensive to even tepid believers. The Supreme Court understands why The Company shouldn’t have to pay for the loose morals of employees, so should you. On a related note, you might not previously have been aware of the Sin of Sloth. You will be soon, because our insurance company has been instructed to deny claims for anyone whose maladies include or are related to being fat and lazy. If your body mass index is above 22, you need to pray for strength or good genetics.
Similarly, we have instructed our insurance company to not pay claims for non-church-related injuries that occur on the Lord’s Day. If you choose to ski or bike on Sundays rather than repent your evil ways, as instructed throughout the Good Book, then you can either wait until Monday to get your twisted knee looked at or pay out of pocket. There are no exceptions for Jews and their erroneous sabbath. They are, however, not excluded entirely from the plan in ways other than are all heathens.
Rest assured, however, that good men injured in the acts of The Truth, such as stoning their adulterous wives or trying to wrestle Satan from the naked bodies of homosexuals, will certainly be eligible for proper treatment.
We thank the high court for understanding that when corporations are people, and when companies are people, all the right things happen, and they will soon be happening to you.
— Aurora Sentinel Editor Dave Perry
Great. As usual. Why I read the Sentinel.
ditto