For one reason or another, Utah has come up a lot in the last few days. Whether it’s Colorado gubernatorial candidates comparing the states to curious congressional races in the Beehive State, Utah’s hot. Clickbait real estate sites have even gotten on the bandwagon (albeit, with poor efforts.)
As a former resident and overall Utah fan, I felt the need to set a few things straight. Here’s A’s to all your FAQ’s about the state where avoiding bad words is a statewide sport. (Bonus points if you said, “What the eff?” or “Fudge that.”)
So is everyone Mormon?
No. In fact, Salt Lake City has more non-Mormons than Mormons. But no one acknowledges that because it would totally wreck the narrative that the church runs everything. People would also stop reading City Weekly immediately.
But there are a lot Mormons?
Oh yeah, drive 20 minutes in either direction of downtown and everyone is a member of the lodge. Well, except for Park City — but that’s a different story.
Why are they asking if my name is “El Dias”?
That’s “LDS” and it’s because the word “Mormon” doesn’t get used a lot. (Example: “Do people still cruise State?” Response: “Is Donny Osmond LDS?”) It’s short for Latter-day Saint and don’t capitalize the D.
Why not?
Because the uppercase D is a traditionalist movement in the church (read: polygamist.)
Oh yeah, where are those guys. Is it like “Big Love”?
Not really. It’s in Southern Utah and on reality shows only. The fundamentalists are easy to spot, they look straight out of “Little House on the Prairie” and look nothing like Jeanne Tripplehorn.
Why do you keep trying to sell me juice/phone service/pre-paid legal service?
Besides the Osmonds, multi-level marketing (read: pyramid scams) are Utah’s most prolific export to the rest of the world.
And emergency preparedness kits?
Utahns believe a massive earthquake will hit tomorrow. Or that the feds will turn on them for some reason. Anyway, they stock a lot of powdered milk in their basements. It’s a thing there for some reason.
And green Jell-O?
Yeah, green Jell-O. We don’t get it either.
I didn’t know fries had their own sauce?
They don’t. Fry sauce is just ketchup and mayo and it’s Utah’s second-favorite condiment behind ranch dressing on everything.
And you have your own In-and-Out Burger, too?
Yeah, but if you wait in that line you’re a sucker. Crown Burger (or Apollo Burger) owns because pastrami was made for burgers.
I don’t understand how pastrami burgers/funeral potatoes/ketchup and mayo/ranch dressing and everyone looks so good?
Yeah, Utah has seriously good-looking people. It’s bizarre. But spend enough time there and you’ll start to notice they all look the same. And somehow their last names are either Jensen/Young/Smith. Maybe the gene pool isn’t all that deep, yet.
That’s why everyone is so attractive?
Maybe. That and a lot of plastic surgery.
How do they pay for it?
No idea. But Utah’s “bootstrap conservative” economy is built on a lot of smoke and mirrors. Strictly speaking, a wealth of natural resources has boosted the economy way more than work ethic has. Want proof? Rush hour starts at like 3:30 p.m.
That sounds entirely pessimistic.
Yeah, it probably is. Actually, Utah has one of the smallest gaps in income equality because like the “Beehive State” lots of people are focused on family, church and work. In that order. There aren’t a lot of robber barons or people who want to be like one. Beehive = lots of workers, no one cares about being queen.
About Park City?
Oh yeah, Park City is basically a Colorado town. Very few people actually live there, and we’re not sure about liquor laws there.
How about those liquor laws?
Everyone is an expert, but it boils down to this: Getting drunk in Utah is about the same as getting drunk everywhere else. The beer’s not watered down; it’s actually pretty good if it’s local. But if you’re planning on getting a double Jack and Coke, keep driving away from the mountains to Nevada.
“Away from the mountains”?
Yeah, because Salt Lake is basically built into a mountain, driving west or “away from the mountains” is the only way we know where to go. That and the street grid system make it ridiculously easy. Yeah, and the Temple is the center because of course it is.
What’s the fascination with Sparta?
“Return with honor” is a Mormon missionary thing.
I heard you’re called Salt Lake Citians?
That’s the second-dumbest thing I’ve heard. It’s Salt Lakers.
What’s the dumbest thing you’ve heard?
That all the gay people from California moved to Salt Lake to get back at them for Prop 8.
So it’s OK to be gay in Salt Lake?
Yup. You don’t even have to live in the Marmalade neighborhood.
Why is it called Emigration Canyon if the Mormons traveled through it to settle the Salt Lake valley? Shouldn’t it be Immigration Canyon?
Utahns don’t like the word “immigration.”
So where should I eat?
Anywhere with funeral potatoes.
Funeral potatoes?
Yeah, potatoes, sour cream, cheese, chips, more cheese. What more do you need?
Anywhere else?
In the land of chains, the Cotton Bottom, Red Iguana, Copper Onion, Lamb’s and The Pie are all worth a look. Market Street is even OK, too.
Does everyone ski?
We’re 15 minutes from the mountain. Wouldn’t you?
So winter is the best time ever?
Inversion, so no.
What’s inversion?
A weather phenomenon created by everyone driving their own car to work and mountains, altitude, temperature and black magic. But really, it’s terrible.
Is it like smoking?
Yeah. And you can’t do that in Salt Lake until you’re 19 for some reason.
Don’t pronounce T’s?
Brigh-en, Lay-en. Yup. Leave ’em out.