This is driving me crazy.
I’ve been motoring for a long time and all over the world.
With the onset of winter, I’ve realized that metro Denver is now the worst.
It wasn’t always like this. Colorado’s friendly, go-along, get-along sensibility was found on the roads just like it was at convenience stores and concerts.
For the past few years, however, I’ve been accumulating a list of things I hate about driving to work, to the store or to another state.
The list is getting long. Fair-weather driving lunacy goes beyond annoying in the metro area when the snow starts to fly.
My newest grievance comes from yet a new fad where motorists drive along during snowstorms with their hazard lights flashing.
On an early morning drive across the Valley Highway during an unremarkable storm, I came across no less than 6 cars in 30 minutes pulling this stunt — on the interstate.
Traveling across Aurora, I encountered more, on Parker Road, Havana Street and Peoria Street.
What the hell is wrong with you people?
First off, do you not know it’s illegal to drive with your hazard lights flashing in Colorado? Unless your car is disabled, like you’re driving on a flat tire at a few miles an hour, it’s on the forbidden list for a good reason. Flashing hazard lights indicate your car is stopped. In the dark, anyone coming up behind you will rightfully assume that’s the case and swerve to keep from rear-ending you.
These cars, however, are doing 50-ish-miles-an-hour just like everyone else on the snow-packed interstate, but with Christmas lights blinking along the way. Judging from the way these white-knuckle-heads look when I try and get around them, the hazard lights are a blinking confession that they have no business driving in the snow, especially on the highway. By all means, feel free to refrain.
These people are now competing with another soon-to-be extinct asphalt animal, the unbeliever.
These are the drivers who don’t believe in science. Wiser drivers are besieged by physics-class failures emboldened by their SUV and a lack of understanding about how this gene pool thing works.
These idiots believe that they and their all-wheel-drive cars are all that. They never learned nor ever understood the reality of Newton’s critical first law: An ass hat in an Audi stays in motion on the snow-packed highway even after slamming on the brakes until it hits the guardrail.
Science matters. So does driving sensibly in the snow.
It starts with choosing a car. It does not have to be a four-wheel tank. Colorado has gotten along just fine for decades with rear-wheel drive cars, snow tires and chains. But for the love of combustion, what on Earth possesses someone to climb into a center-heavy Prius that sits inches from the ground and try and drive through a foot of heavy, wet snow? You are not allowed to feign surprise that you can’t turn or even move your car from the left-turn lane to anywhere as you hold up traffic and the free world with your ignorance.
And even if you pick the world’s most rock-solid auto on ice, complete with tire chains and a boat anchor, you have to clear and scrape your windows.
Even a life-long resident of Hawaii understands that if you take off in your car and can’t see out the windows, you’ll be seeing your dearly departed before you can get to work or wherever.
And if you are so unwise as to choose to text your friend, who can’t possibly be as stupid as you, as you careen down Iliff Avenue unable to see, steer or stop, there should be a special punishment. The terminally inane should be banished to Colorado Springs, where offenders must live among those who regularly re-elect Congressman Doug Lamborn, name streets by using a Ouija board and turn off the streetlights when the city runs out of money.
Save yourself. Save others. Save your craziness for deep frying turkeys indoors or hoarding cats. But invest in an RTD bus pass, an Uber app or just stay home until the weather clears, because it always does.
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