QUID HAS HEARD Aurora has created a shockingly easy way to make not just a buck, but a hundred thousand or so of them. While it’s unclear whether crime really pays these days, it seems that being accused of one sure does in Aurora. The city last week forked over 110,000 of your tax dollars to Darsean Kelly. Kelly was the instant Youtube celebrity who was tased in 2016 after cops “responding to a report of a man threatening a child with a gun” nearby, nailed him. Aurora cops stopped him while he was walking nearby, assuming he could be their guy. Cop body-cam shows Kelly with his arms raised yelling, “I know my rights,” and demanding to know why he is being stopped. So the cop tased the crap out of Kelly, who screams from the pain and then falls over backward, doing the unseemly tase dance on the ground. When he comes to, he’s pissed and wants to know why in the hell cops stopped by just to tase him. “It’s all on the video, sweetheart,” the cop tossed back. And so, American Civil Liberties Union lawyers pretty much wrote a letter to accompany their Youtube video and the city is now mailing back a check for $110,000, pointing out that the payment is not an admission of guilt by the cops shocking behavior. Quid will happily offer to be the cops suspicious person of interest any time they need one, assuming yours truly, also, will receive similar compensation, which, of course, would not be an admission of police guilt or shaky trigger fingers. It can’t be much more painful than working for this rag, and your faithful servant assures you, the pay is ever so much better. In fact, Quid offers to take the tase for half the cost of zapping random strangers on the street. Not to boast, but Quid might also allow for some head-bumping getting into the back seat of a squad car in handcuffs for a couple hundred dollars and a Subway sandwich. For five bucks and a Apricot Blonde from Dry Dock Brewery your affiant will let any cop cuff him too tight. It’s all about the money. Of course Quid knows where the real money is. Sure, few might actually take the tase for any amount of cash, but what would you pay to see, perhaps, the mouthy editor of this pathetic fishwrapper sizzled on live teevee, wearing a white jump suit that would reveal all the joys of selectricution by cops? Quid feels a serious GoFundMe coming on, and will ask no more than 20 percent of the take. Don’t care about seeing one more newspaper guy suffer? How much to see your congressional rep tased with him? Employees at DMV? The guy with 59 items in the fast lane at Walmart? Uh huh. I’ll get back to you with details.
AND THAT’S ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS