QUID HAS HEARD that it’s unfair that reporters from horrible places such as Texas and Florida have to pay the brunt of media stupidity all by themselves. Seems that a tradition more vapid than Groundhog’s Day just won’t go away. Each time some wretched place along one of America’s coasts gets whacked by a hurricane, a TV news producers sends some poor hack out into the gale with a cameraman. Even those Americans with little imagination can dream up what it must be like to stand in a high-speed car wash. This week, some poor CNN stooge was screaming into a microphone about how wet and windy a hurricane was while he was out in it. Sure, the Colorado equivalent of this inanity is to send some sap out with a mic and lens when it’s snowing at the Eisenhower Tunnel. But ask anyone dumb enough to go out in a hurricane, it’s not the same. Anxious to show how Colorado media types are just as brave, tough and stupid as those in Miami and Houston, your faithful hack suggests we pick up the pace for broadcast humiliation. Since we all live in the good-weather capital of the universe, a little snow or drizzly day won’t cut it. Tornadoes are good, but too hard to predict for the 5 o’clock bumper. Instead, Quid suggests reporters broadcast live from the press table on the floor of the State Senate chambers, letting viewers know how lethally dangerous it is to listen to state legislator ramblings at close range. Talk about killer wind. The political flatulence during any debate on gun control makes Irma’s breezes seem like Audi air conditioning. And if Colorado media types really want to show viewers what they’re made of, they’ll broadcast live from the press table at the Aurora City Council or Aurora Public Schools board meeting. Howling winds so vile as to risk the hearing of any normal person. Logic so warped and questions so lame that any normal person might go blind or be compelled to shove a pencil in their eye to make the pain stop. Hurricanes? Hah. Watch real suffering at city halls across the state.
AND QUID HAS HEARD that the state will soon have it out for gray-hair types. Seems that this very rag ran the screaming AP newsless headline, “Colorado governor creates adviser position to combat aging.” It’s unclear whether this position would combat the guv’s own aging problem, or pick a fight with aging in general. Feeling the pain of Quid’s own advancing years, your’s truly hopes the state is onto finding the fountain of youth, which up until now has been at Dry Dock Breweries in Aurora.
AND THAT’S ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS