QUID HAS HEARD the future of alternative facts and truthy truth has finally come to Aurora. Seems that since the body-cams on cops have been such a rousing success for public safety — albeit, perhaps not for the ones here and elsewheres who’ve been caught on cop cams being whacked, shot or beaten — that city hoohaws are now considering cam-ing up Aurora’s dog catchers. Sweet. Finally, action-cam footage of intrepid feline-followers running sneering cats and foul-mouthed dogs into the back of the paddy wagon and onto their dates with animal justice. It’s such an astounding and potentially entertaining idea, that your’s truly insists that every government employee get a strap-on to show the world what goes on behind closed government doors. This will once and for all end the debate over who lies and how much. See for yourself whether your most-hated state Senator dozes off in committee hearings and snores sitting up. Strap one on the Demander in Chief and see just how big Orange Julius’ hands really are. Better yet, issue not just a body cam to every government employee, teacher and flight attendant in the country, but a live-cam so everyone can/must Facebook Live every moment at work. Now we’ll know who leaves the seat up in the co-ed bathroom at the water treatment plant. Finally, you can see little Johnny’s teacher tell him to put the taser away and sit his ass down before she kicks it all the way to the principal’s office. Mandatory, live-action Go-Pros on the heads of people like President Trump Advisor Steve Bannon will answer once and for all whether he inadvertently stumbles into white-supremacist club meetings at all-night pancake houses across the country, or if he goes there on purpose for the pigs-in-a-blanket. Your faithful servant would happily don such a live-feed for the good of the many and out the animals at this rag for being the noisy gum chewing, coffee slurping, Bugles eating, office-work-space pigs you’ve always suspected them of being. Your’s truly excepted.
AND QUID HAS HEARD that Aurora Public Schools types are wring, wring, wringing their hands over how to fill in a $31 million budget hole, possibly by filling in some of the school district’s swimming pools. Seems one idea would be to turn the pools into classrooms. Fail. Better yet, Quid suggests we keep the water in the pools and instead lease them out to fracking companies, restaurant linen services, car washes and any number of Trump industry money laundering subsidiaries. Doing their part.
AND THAT’S ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS