Coloradans don’t “hydrate.” Chemical solutions hydrate. Southern Californians hydrate. New Yorkers in plaid wool jackets hydrate. People out here “drink water.” If you’ve been biking all day, and you keep asking each other if you’ve “hydrated,” you sound silly.

You need to drink some water. Out of a “crick” or someone’s garden hose — not a $58 fancy plastic bottle or imported aqua from Or-ee-gon. Out of an old Girl Scout canteen attached to a rusty cup. Because when you’re outside under the Colorada summer sun, you will be thirsty.

If you tell people you need to “hydrate,” you need to take the North Face wrist bands back to REI and take a drink of tap water out of a public fountain. Then get a Colorada beer. Not too many, because then you’ll end up dehydrated, which makes you very thirsty.

NEXT WEEK: Saltine crackers are a primary food group.

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