Now, probably more than ever in my life, it’s accurate to say that truth is far stranger than fiction.
You don’t have to go back several years to collect a variety of, “are you serious” moments all around us, every day. Here are a few nuggets just from the past few weeks that I’ve recently gotten a lot of mileage on at bars and barbecues.
Let’s start with a fatal-shooting suspect here in Aurora last Friday night. He was speeding away in his car, evading police, who were after him after allegedly shooting and killing a man in northwest Aurora. At one point during the chase, the man “fell out of the moving vehicle” he was driving. Police later said it appeared there might have been some kind of malfunction with his car door, and as he sped away, the door opened, and with no seat belt fastened, he toppled out of the car. The car crashed. The man is in jail on a $1 million bond for first-degree murder.
This week, there’s the odd case in Maryland where a woman adopted a hound-mix puppy from a pet rescue shelter in 2022 for $450. She loved Beau, who, tragically, became desperately ill with a neurological condition. After talking to two vets, she agreed with their dire prognosis and made the gut-wrenching decision to euthanize the dog, unable to see him suffer every day. She paid $15 for a vet clinic to end the dog’s suffering. A little over a year later, Beau is up for adoption from the same rescue service. The woman wants to know how in the hell that happened. No good answers yet.
Ever farther away, Pope Francis seemed compelled this week to apologize for making a slur about gay men when talking about the priesthood. In a conversation with Italian bishops, and speaking in Italian, not his first language, he reportedly said, “there is already an air of faggotness” in seminaries,” according to Associated Press and other reports. The Vatican later said he was “joking.”
Ha ha.
“The pope never intended to offend or express himself in homophobic terms, and he extends his apologies to those who were offended by the use of a term that was reported by others,” a Vatican spokesperson said. What Pope Francis said was vulgar. But what the Vatican said was surreal. How, exactly, does one use a slur like Francis did and not “intend to offend” or come off as “homophobic?” And rather than own up and say, “I’m ashamed,” he said, sorry for those who “were offended.” Clearly, speaking PR is not his PR team’s first language.
As the Donald Trump porn-star-hush-money trial wrapped up and was given to the jury this week, defense lawyers — as expected — spent hours trying to persuade the jury that former Trump attorney and fixer Michael Cohen was a not just a liar and big,fat liar, but a lying liar to outshine every liar ever. One defense lawyer twisted the word “GOAT” when describing Cohen — Greatest of All Time — and called him a “GLOAT,” the Greatest Liar of All Time.” Meanwhile, the GLOATIEST OF GLOATS, Trump, sat, eyes closed, in contrast to all this. The Washington Post quit counting Trump’s lies when he left the White House Jan. 21, 2021. The four-year tally on that day was 30,573 lies. That was more than three years ago. Look who’s gloating.
And talk about twice bitten. Last week the Sentinel carried an AP report about a man who gave up his position in the West Virginia state House to run for secretary of state, after switching parties. He was picking up his campaign signs near Danville and was bitten in the leg and then the foot by a copperhead rattlesnake. He survived the snake-bite, but not the election.
Just three weeks ago, Boulder police got to best everyone with a classic, “can’t make this up” tale. Police there say a Colorado woman was released from the city jail May 3 after being charged with trying to steal a car the day before, forcing her to spend the night in the hoosegow. After she was released, she walked a short distance and tried to steal a pickup truck that had the keys inside. “She then started the pickup,” the Associated Press reported, but she got nowhere because she couldn’t figure out how the clutch and stick shift worked. She got out, and the truck rolled away and into a fire hydrant. Police rolled up and arrested her. You don’t need expensive car alarms, faux wheel boots or steering wheel locks, just a manual transmission.
But my favorite “no way” story so far this year is about an “Aurora man” — as so many stories like this start — who was apparently very, very intoxicated on something and wanted to pay for his drive-through burger with illegal drugs in powder form. When drive-thru workers told him, uh, no, he pulled out a gun. He then sped off to a nearby convenience store, went in for some robbery and mischief, probably letting his dinner get cold in the car, and he shot out a TV monitor displaying a live-camera feed of himself, inside the store. From there, he went to visit a friend nearby, fired a few rounds at the apartment door, and was then quickly tracked down and finally arrested by Aurora police. When officers asked if the man was hurt, he gave the best line so far in 2024: He “said he was not physically injured, but his ‘feelings were hurt.’”
You don’t have to have an imagination to write real news, just a keyboard.
Follow @EditorDavePerry on BlueSky, Threads, Mastodon, Twitter and Facebook or reach him at 303-750-7555 or dperry@SentinelColorado.com
There’s a reason why the average IQ is 100. Should be polling about this on Nov. 5