Perry: The state’s stupid on the hunt for their 15 minutes

No matter where you’re from, you’ve got to admit Colorado is a great state for fun: There are endless people to make fun of.

Being one of 14 Colorado natives left in the state, I get to enjoy taking pot shots at the fools who live here, and the amazingly stupid things they do. Here’s a recent sample of why it’s better to stay in the big city with your doors and windows closed:

Exhibit A: Grin and bear it

Last week, another Colorado bear lost his life for acting like a bear near Trinidad. For those of you too new to the state, this small town was once known as the sex-change capital of the world because of famous surgeon Stanley Biber, who did the deed to those in need. He died in 2006, but the town’s reputation lives on. Now, the town has a few folks whose screws are just loose. One woman last week got her 15 minutes by trying to rid her yard of a bear, which really do thrive in Colorado. When the woman’s grandson told grandma that a bear had come visiting, she ran out with pots and pans to scare it off. Banging loudly, she got too close, startled the bear and got a paw across the front for her scary act.

Really, there’s no call here to be annoying, people. I’d swipe, too, at anybody with nerve enough to bang pots and pans near me. A neighbor was more effective in getting the bear out of the yard by taking shots at it. Cops and wildlife folks later tracked the beast down and killed it. Lesson for those from Ohio: Don’t mess with bears or anyone in Trinidad.

Exhibit B: Rocky Mountain Cry

This’ll get me some hate mail: John Denver songs suck. Sorry, folks, but it’s true. He was a very nice man who got famous because a bunch of folks who also weren’t from these parts loved his sing-song-TV-news-commercials, which had all the depth of the South Platte River. There are a lot of songs I hate, because they burrow their kitschy-catchy croon into your skull like a chigger you can’t reach. But at the top of the list is Denver’s most famous warble, “Rocky Mountain High,” an absolute low point in the history of music and the State of Colorado.

Now this is going to hurt — the truth always does —but people who love “Rocky Mountain High” also love Oldsmobiles, Village Inn Restaurants and beige homes. You get the picture. One of Denver’s greatest fans, J.P. McDaniel, who lives in a beige home in Littleton, has been trying to get an unnamed peak near Aspen named after Denver. Ack. Naming anything more than a stack of pancakes at Village Inn after this guy is a slap in the face to those of us who know what real Colorado music is: Firefall.

Exhibit C: Off-track in Durango

Now here’s a part of Colorado that really isn’t. When you think “Centennial State,” no one thinks of the big city in the south. That’s because Durango isn’t the nasty, dusty plains of the eastern part of the state; it’s not the extreme mountains of the Sangre de Cristo showcase; it’s not the moonscape of Grand Junction. It’s really just New Mexico with a Colorado mailing address.

Folks there are well aware that the skiing kinda sucks compared to the rest of the state, and that it’s become a wonderful place to move away from. The city’s claim to fame is the tourist-trap train that runs from the city-that-no-one-loves to Silverton, which has real skiing, real weather and real scary roads.

I can attest first-hand, folks, that you would really rather suffer a serious head cold than sit all day on a smelly, coal burner crawling up and back to Silverton. Despite that, lowlanders from all over the world shell out serious cash to have this memorable experience inflicted upon them. That’s encouraged Durangors to try and figure out a way to squeeze even more tourist dollars out of a narrow-gauge train technology that has blessedly gone extinct everywhere else in the world.

So welcome aboard the Durango Dinosaur Train to Hell. The company that runs the venerable Durango and Silverton line are working with local county officials to create a new theme park the train would offer fabulous adventures such as blow-up dinosaurs, dirt and shovels where kids can actually dig for fake stuff buried there, hot dogs and funnel cakes, air-brush tattoos and — wait for it —a bouncy house. Boy oh boy, nothing says “stampede from Iowa” like a bouncy house and noisy train ride in a gen-u-ine Colorado mountain town. Those few Durangors with any sense left are worried that such antics will cheapen the existing city and Silverton train experience. They needn’t worry.

Reach editor Dave Perry at 303-750-7555 or dperry@aurorasentinel.com