It really is all about me, and you, too. It’s impossible these days to not see how President Abe Lincoln didn’t have me and the rest of Aurora in mind forty score and 15 minutes ago when he made Thanksgiving the country’s first national holiday. Nobody has more to atone for than I do, spending hundreds of hours and billions kilobytes each year angering the mortals here on Planet Earth. And the rest of you, well, everyone knows that Aurora is the place in Colorado where bad turns to worse. And as you continue to prove that wrong and make idiots out of naysayers, get behind me for a few column inches of atonement. Here’s my list this year of things I’m very sorry about, not really for, and things that make me glad things are the way they are. Join in.
• I’m thankful that I don’t live in a part of Colorado, like northern Colorado, like Sterling, and especially like Julesberg, wherever the hell that is, where people are so angry that Colorado lawmakers have been chiseling away at anti-gay laws, passing ho-hum gun laws and protecting small-businesses, like farmers, that a majority of voters would choose to start their own state, population 237 or so. Call it the State of Altered Consciousness. Call it Coloraska. Just get it going.
• I’m thankful that pit bulls are generally smarter than many of their owners and infinitely less dangerous.
• I’m thankful that no one complains about needing or wanting a gun when they ski.
• I’m thankful that the type on nutrition labels on the crap I like to eat is so small that I can’t read it.
• I’m thankful that dogs seem to like dog food.
• I’m thankful that I never was impressed by Winston Churchill, especially after learning one of his famous quotes was, “If you are not a liberal at twenty, you have no heart and if you are not conservative at thirty, you have no brain.” The guy starved 3 million Indians, bragged about shooting “savages” in Africa and said plagues and famines were beneficial in third-world colonies where second-rate humans “breed like rabbits” and needed to be “merrily” culled.
• I’m thankful that my eyesight is failing at about the same rate as my devilish good looks.
• I’m thankful that people in the cars in front of me can’t hear what I call them all the way home almost every single night.
• I’m thankful that the Obamacare law is so messed up and the Republicans are so over-dramatic about it that within a few months we’ll have a nearly unanimous call for universal health care or at the very least, a single-payer system. Oh Can-a-da oh Can-a-da…
• I’m thankful that Tom Tancredo keeps running for office.
• I’m thankful that local gun-gizmo maker Magpul didn’t leave Colorado after the new wimpy gun laws went into effect and that they now have a 40-round magazine for under $20. I’m thankful that even a lousy shot like me doesn’t need 40 rounds to hit an elk the size of a bus, and that I’m not much interested in eating anything smaller than a TV after it gets filled with buckshot.
• I’m thankful that up in Greeley, the local sheriff is so concerned about animal welfare that he’s asked that animal cruelty charges be filed against and animal rights activists who filmed horrifying cattle abuse up there because she waited before turning over undercover video to a protection group. Draw your own conclusions and hope they annex to Coloraska or something.
• I’m thankful that I personally don’t have to come up with a dozen or so exciting and different things to say about the Broncos every day, nor do I have to read those things.
• I’m thankful that buying more cheap stuff for anyone I know or love has never been a compelling reason to go to a store on or right after Thanksgiving.
• I’m thankful that modern keyboards have a key for the number one, and they have exclamation keys, too!
• I’m thankful that Aurora outlaws pit bulls and that, so far, no one has created a pit cat.
• I’m thankful that as you grow old, you no longer have the energy to do many stupid things, or anything, really.
• I’m thankful that we still print on dead trees where there are physical limits to how much I have to write to get people to love me. This is that limit.
Reach Aurora Sentinel Editor Dave Perry at 303-750-7555 or dperry@aurorasentinel.com
Well Davie, it sounds like from what I gathered from your article is that your “Thankful” for being completely miserable and Julesberg
Well Davie, it appears from what I gathered in this article is that your “Thankful” for being completely miserable and how this world keeps turning while you are standing still in your own world hiding behind your trees of paper like a rat sniffing around to not know where Julesburg, Co., is? My niece is 9, and she knows exactly where is at and its population, and she has never been there. Get over yourself.
Oh, I and a few ppl see that your the only weird person in this universe. I think, that you were bullied as a kid and have pleasure of trying to humiliate others, but its you that still looks & acts like that ugly little boy on paper trying to get even. You are not any further from where you were in elementary school. And, we actually like what you write because it still shows all your bitterness.
C’mon Aurora isn’t really all that boringly centrist is it? Sounds like things are about to take off to new “universal” heights in January of 2014.