I’m at the age where I really don’t need anything from you.
Not that I’m not seriously deficient in all kinds of ways, it’s just that what I need — to lose 10 pounds and make deadlines on deadline, or even kind of close to deadline — are miracles, not well-wrapped gifts.
So I won’t bother asking you, with your busy schedule and sort of freaky jolly thing, for anything this year — at least not for me.
But for the rest of the world, there’s so much you could do for so many people. Here’s my top suggestions:
I really don’t think there’s anything you can get Donald Trump that he hasn’t either gotten himself, or wilted with his toxic personality. No, Santa, there’s nothing you nor anyone can do for Mein Trumpf. But if you could, please, please help the 40 percent of registered Republicans who can’t see this fascist blowhard for what he is. Like most of the rest of the world, I, too, wonder why a man who isn’t smart, funny, charming, witty, compelling, interesting, eloquent, handsome, interesting, kind or credible would be the consistent GOP choice for president, or for anything. Whatever it is that would help these 40 percent of the GOP see Trump for the creepy reprobate he is, please deliver it soon.
While we’re on the presidential trail, Santa, if you wouldn’t mind handing out a few goodies to some of the rest of the White House contenders, we’d all be grateful. Jeb! needs a clue that he doesn’t have a prayer. Please give him one, because it’s increasingly painful to watch him sally forth, thinking that anyone wants what he’s selling. And Hillary is desperate for you or someone to wrench her foot free from her mouth. At this rate, she’s the girl most likely to be running the country next year and has an uncanny knack for saying stuff that makes getting her that job really hard. The problem, Santa, is her thinking that you and I aren’t paying attention to what she says. It’s an easy thing to assume because Americans so desperately don’t want to have to pay attention to what she says, because she says it like she’s gonna nag us about it until we make her leave office. And Sen. Ted Cruz needs to have Mr. Haney and Eddie Haskel exorcised from his body and campaign. The worry there is that what’s left behind may be even more distasteful that what he’s inflicting on us right now. Gov. Chris Christie needs someone to tell him that nobody outside of New Jersey likes anything about the place, so stop telling people about it. Sen. Marco Rubio needs meds and a big bowl of humility. Dude. You’re from Florida, and even they don’t seem to like you. We’re not impressed.
And, Santa, if you really want to win over the hearts, minds and wallets of the American people, bring a moratorium on TV political ads through Election Day next year. I’m pretty sure you could name your price if you could pull it off.
For President Obama, please fill that big red sack with cold comprehension and leave it at the White House. Obama doesn’t seem to understand that there is absolutely nothing affordable about the Affordable Healthcare Act. Nobody does. You might wanna dump some of that around all over D.C.
And for the Aurora City Council, I want you to bring them a Christmas dream come true: roundabouts on every off-ramp on every interstate in the city. Not for traffic flow — who cares about traffic? It’s so city leaders can get rid of the pesky panhandlers once and for all. For years, city legislators have worked hard to shoo the poor beggars off streets and intersections, saying they’re a nuisance, a hazard and that they take money they stand out in the heat and cold for each day and buy cigarettes and liquor, sometimes even drugs. Kind of like lots of Aurora, which toils all day so they can spend their money on cigarettes and liquor, and sometimes even drugs. You see, Santa, city council doesn’t believe they’re being mean to the beggars by banning them from begging, they’re being nice to them because if they can’t beg, they get jobs and mortgages. So if we have no stop lights at the end of off-ramps, there will be no stopping to pass the bucks or coffee-cup holder change, they’ll all get jobs and end homelessness once and for all. On second thought, let’s get city lawmakers bigger hearts before they push everyone’s gifts off the top of Mt. Trumpet.
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