PERRY: If you could read, Aurora, these folks think you might weep about how sad your lives are

If you can read this, it’s just more proof that Thomas C. Frohlich and Alexander E.M. Hess at 24/7 Wall Street are complete dorks.

They think you’re illiterate. Well, maybe not just you, but your friends and neighbors. These two “journalists” created a list for their online publication, 247wallst.com that reveals what they think are the 10 Most Illiterate Cities. Aurora, they say, is No. 9.

According to themselves, “(247wallst.com) publishes over 30 articles per day and has readers throughout North America, Asia, the Middle East, and Africa.” For the average Aurora dolt, New York is a city on the right side of the country. Wall Street is where they stole your retirement and much of the country’s cash. 247wallst.com has at least one reader in Aurora, proof that literacy may have a faint heartbeat here after all. Former Aurora state Senator Bob Hagedorn drew my attention to the city’s new claim to shame after seeing the list-story, which pointed out that Aurora doesn’t even have a newspaper, so no one here reads one.

As to the “articles” this New York City outlet publishes, we, like most newspapers, call them “press releases,” and we don’t pass them along as if they were vetted stories. This household name in finance journalism has two reporters, Mr. Frohlich and Mr. Hess, who apparently compile list-stories, which run next to Viagra ads that explain that you should see a doctor before you ever actually engage in sex, and if you take this pill, there are chances it could be your last hurrah. Good to know.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE LIST OF ILLITERATE CITIES

So it was Aurora’s turn to make the list, being grouped in with other sullied, vapid communities like Anaheim, Calif.; San Antonio, Texas and Mesa, Ariz., clearly iconic bastions of stupidity you never knew about because you can’t read. I’m used to Aurora bashing. I’ve taken a few digs at Saudi Aurora myself over the years. Like most folks who live and work out here, I smile and shrug it off: “No, I’ve never been the victim of a drive-by shooting out here. Wanna have lunch?” “No, there are a few trees, and some have leaves. Sometimes.” “No, I’m not the only white guy out here. There are three of us, although I’m really not white.”

Yawn.

But “illiterate?” The University of Colorado med school and research campus is here, arguably one of the most important research and treatment systems in the country. Buckley Air Force Base is here, along with a slew of the most impressive contractors in the world. This is the home of Cherry Creek Schools, probably one of the best school districts in the country. Illiterate? Aurora? Go get a real story.

Frohlich and Hess reveal that “Booksellers were exceptionally prominent in Aurora, where there were more than five bookstores per 10,000 residents, more than in the majority of major cities. Despite this, access to reading materials and the use of electronic reading formats were on the whole very poor. Aurora had no local newspapers as of 2013. Residents were also among the least likely to read via the Internet, a mobile device or an e-reader.”

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Their assumptions about literacy come from U.S. Census data, which does indeed show that only 28 percent of adults have a college degree here, compared with a statewide and NYC average of about 35 percent of adults. It also shows that Aurora has a much larger percent of high-school graduates than NYC, 86 percent in Aurora compared to 79 percent in NYC. Does it mean New Yorkers would have a tough time following this column? Probably not. Does it mean anything at all? It means that your notion that this tired East Coast city is filled with people so out of touch with reality that they no longer realize the center of the universe shifted from Manhattan eons ago, is pretty right on. Being illiterate, you won’t understand that, so you can just go back to your skiing, biking, hiking, theater, concerts, 6.5 computer devices, farm-to-table, thin, culturally rich, pathetic lives where you earn more on average than even intellectually superior New York City dwellers do — and feel sorry for yourselves.

Reach editor Dave Perry at 303-750-7555 or dperry@aurorasentinel.com