I am overwhelmed with the spirit of the holidays. While I normally sit in front of this keyboard with every intention of poking my fingers on the keys as if they were the eyes of my readers and victims, today, I type lightly.
And there you go, dear readers who peruse this portion of the paper each week with clenched fists and jaws, anxious to leap onto any and every shred of evidence that I am a leading figure in the dark screaming liberal cabal set out to destroy the world as Ayn Rand dreamed it could be. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to those in the city who look in this spot each week hoping to find my obit.
This week, mystery reader “Omiester” wrote to say, “Hey, Spanky!” liberals are the ruination of the planet, sucking up to child molesters and murderers because we think it’s cool. He goes on and on and on to say that liberals are either all gays and lesbians, or know some, and talk gay, essentially wanting to snuggle up to anything illicit or unsavory.
“Now it’s Peachy Keen (you know Peachy Keen, don’t cha Dave? [sic] That’s homo liberal talk.) You think All of us Normal people with NORMAL MORALS, normal values and normal self control should put up with your dog sh**.”
Reader Omiester goes on to suggest that doggy doo like myself and the child molesters and miscreants that I support should be exterminated.
Merry Christmas, Reader Omiester. I give you the platform that you crave so that everyone in Aurora can see what an upstanding, righteous and valuable part of our community you are, and what a creepy weasel I am for standing up for gay rights and due process.
I’m not stopping here. For all of my loyal fans who regularly point out what an ass I am for suggesting that there is still rampant racism in this country, and that it nearly cost President Obama the election twice, I give you a few moments here in the spotlight to make your point that it is I who am being racist against innocent white people in Aurora.
Come on down, “Sgt. Jim,” an Aurora resident who regularly floods my email box with commentary about my motives, my sexual habits and my heinous support of all things liberal and minority in nature.
Sarge gets especially incensed when I point out how sickeningly racist his own missives are, and how I wish he would stop.
He was sure he had me, however, the day after the election when Obama prevailed, especially after I had written on more than one occasion about racism in Aurora and the rest of the country.
“Hey Dave, it looks like those racist bast**** voted the way you wanted them to. What an ass**** you are. I think you owe some white folks an apology. I’m sure that’s forthcoming. You are too much of a coward to do that. Now I just hope you shut the f**** up.”
Merry Christmas to you, Sarge! You’re right about me not telling readers that I was wrong about racism still being a serious issue here in the country. But as a gift to you, I’m including here a sample of your more recent missives, showing just how un-bigoted you and your pals are. I’m letting you show Aurora what an idiot I am for suggesting that the community and the very nation is at risk because of rampant hatred, misogyny and wanton stupidity.
Remember this one, Sarge?
“Effective Jan 1, 2013, Aspirin will be taxed under the Obama-Care program. The explanation was that they are white and they work. No other reason was given.”
Nothing racist there, huh, dude?
How about this favorite you and I got into it about, saying that it made me sick? It was a faux poster explaining that if Obama’s mother had used a condom, Obama would never have been born to become president. And you wrote:
“If the Obama rules for contraception and abortion would have been in effect in 1960/61 that would have been another way that Obama would not exist today. No white girl wanted a black baby in those days.”
Awesome, Sarge. Just awesome. Not unlike the email you sent out this week explaining that the cure for priapism, and you may have to look that up, is to click on a link leading to a picture of Sec. of State Hillary Clinton.
Merry Christmas, Sarge and to all of you who thoughtfully write in each day to point out what a creepy jerk I am for taking up the liberal cause. I can’t make my case any better than you do.
Reach editor Dave Perry at 303-750-7555 or [email protected]