PERRY: Predicting trouble in 2014 for Coffman, Romanoff, Hick and anyone in my way

My ability to predict the future has an uncanny track record of being worse than dismal — so far. Sure, I was wrong last year about Aurora becoming a mecca for Russian biker poets. And it looks like I missed the mark on thinking that former Mayor Ed Tauer would make a public comeback as reality show star. But this year, I’m channeling my inner Jeanne Dixon by using beer and microwaves. Come this time next year, I’ll be writing my “told-ya-sos” in this very spot on these very forecasts:

• Gov. John Hickenlooper will suffer two painful campaign trail setbacks next year when he begins regularly wearing a Ruger .22 caliber LCR revolver and accidentally shoots himself in the foot and then later in the year is hospitalized with dysentery after drinking fracking water that was served in a glass washed in Colorado Springs.

• Hickenlooper will score a second term as governor in November after Republican Gubernatorial nominee Tom Tancredo is suddenly sent to a Michigan labor union camp because tea party officials discover the fiery politician once voted for gun control after the Columbine High School massacre, enjoys spicy Mexican food, was a former public school teacher and obsessively re-reads old Pat Schroeder speeches.

• Colorado Democrats will lose control of the state Senate next year, not to Republicans, but to the state’s newest political party, The Avengers, who win in a landslide election after campaigning on a platform that calls for forcing immigrants from Texas, Ohio, Massachusetts and California to wait five years before applying for a Colorado driver’s license.

• Not only will the ballyhooed Gaylord Hotel and Conventionarium break ground next year, Marriott officials will announce that it will move all its current Downtown Denver properties to northeast Aurora after the entire world quits booking hotel rooms in Denver beyond the opening date for Gaylord. The old Downtown hotel properties will become homeless shelters, attracting hordes from across the country, prompting the biggest land rush to Aurora since the beginning of statehood — right up until Aurora Economic Development Council chief Wendy Mitchell wakes up from the best dream ever.

• Aurora City Council will break down and allow residents to have backyard chickens, but city lawmakers will at the same time require them to wear leashes, get $50 licenses and be neutered.

• Voters will overwhelmingly agree during a referendum next year to set free the northeast part of the state after a campaign for secession makes it clear that the rest of Colorado won’t ever have to go there again. The new state will be called “Church.”

• Aurora will change direction from allowing only 20 tightly regulated retail marijuana shops to open across the city, and instead council members will allow for vending machine sales at car washes, as well as from food trucks and drive-thru pick-ups at local Starbucks. The sudden change in policy will come after a host of joint-water projects are negotiated with Boulder in the basement of City Hall.

• Congressman Mike Coffman and former state House Speaker Andrew Romanoff will both be injured in September during simultaneous traffic crashes when Coffman tries veering left and Romanoff tries veering right into the same middle lanes all across Aurora. Neither will be able to finish the election and Gov. John Hickenlooper will appoint APS School Board Member Barbara Yamrick to the vacant congressional seat.

• The Anschutz University of Colorado Denver’s Anschutz Medical Anschutz Campus and Anschutz Parking-a-looza et al will change its name to, “Gesundheit Aurora.” Denver will seek an injunction, insisting that the name change will steal away customers from existing Denver hospitals.

• Colorado will reverse its same-sex marriage ban this year when voters are told that the controversial constitutional amendment addresses only gay rights and not middle-age libido problems.

• The Denver Post will cease its print editions entirely in February, sparing the lives of a six or seven trees a year and putting just as many newspaper carriers out of work. Denver will confiscate the empty news racks as part of its initiative to end homelessness. Aurora won’t participate, because there are no homeless people in this city.

• Aurora will throw its hat in the ring for the 2094 Summer Olympics, touting endless land to the Kansas border, massive amounts of excess water it pumps back from a lake in northern Nebraska, a host of language interpreters, every imaginable ethnic market and lots of polite signs. Denver will file a lawsuit because it’s Thursday.