PERRY: Pet peeves in politics is ruff stuff

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Hercules, a blind one-eyed 15-year-old pug. (AP File Photo/Noah Berger)

I would say everybody has a dog in this race, or should have.

No doubt that 2020 has wrought endless surprises, most of them disastrous. It’s barely after Labor Day and everyone I know is tired. We’re all tired of viruses and politics, even though the fall-flu and political season are just warming up. There is some good news about the pandemic, however. More stray and abandoned dogs have found homes during the pandemic, according to a story by Sentinel staffers this week. In talking to people about the story, it became clear that everyone has an opinion about dog breeds and compatibility. Most people feel as strongly about dog varietals as they do politicians.  In fact, it became obvious to me that it’s pretty easy, and meaningful, to see how people conflate their canine and political picks.

It turns out my wife, Melody, likes dogs who are selfless, chivalrous, impeccably clean and never leave their shoes under the table or spill coffee all over the counter in the morning. She was a huge fan of Barack Obama. My recommendation there would be for her to get a stuffed dog. Melody made it clear that, seeing how she currently has just me, I serve in the role as a miniature schnauzer: mildly amusing, gray and mostly annoying.

No doubt, you can apply this doggy persona phenomenon to everyone, including politicians themselves.

For those who want a real Sen. Mitch McConnell as a pet in the house? That’s easy. Anyone who thinks having the Senate majority leader around would be interesting would also love a basset hound to step over and around all the time. Basset hounds look and sound like a dog, but they’re actually just uncomfortable cartoon-furniture that keeps getting in the way and never actually does any dog-like things. People who like these two tend to “set” a lot.

That’s completely different from Sen. Ted Cruz and his handlers. Cruz fans are the people who love dogs that love them best. These are the kind of dogs that look at you adoringly and start barking at anything that even resembles a cat as soon as they get outside with you. They’re also the kind of dogs that run into your room and jump up on the bed for a long nap on your pillow the second you leave the house.

Worse is the Sen. Lindsey Graham dog. These dogs are the ones that cozy up to your guests one moment, sitting on their feet. Then they bark like crazy when your pals return from the rest room just minutes later. Nervous people who don’t like others tend to like these dogs and keep asking them, “what’s wrong, Grahmmy?”

No doubt that people who like Sen. Cory Gardner as a pet also would love for their daughter to marry someone like Eddie Haskel on “Leave it Beaver.” These are big, happy dogs that soon become unpopular with the entire family because they never come when you call them. They are the kind of dogs seen on remote video happily wagging their tails as burglars break into your house and steal everything. You know how most dogs cower or slink away when you catch them digging in the kitchen trash? If Gardner was a dog, he’d wag his tail blame it on the cat.

Everyone wonders who can love that nervous, unhappy, afghan mix you always see at the dog park that keeps herding all the other dogs around and walking away when you get close to it. Nancy Pelosi fans love these animals. These dogs seem to have been hanging around the park for as long as you can remember. Everybody wonders where these dogs came from, whom they belong to, and if they’re ever going to go home.

They’re completely different from the John Hickenlooper dogs and fans. These happy dogs seem to always get tangled up on something or stuck somewhere they can’t get out of. They’re popular dogs that have a bad habit of jumping up in someone’s chair as soon as they leave the room.

The Biden dog? One of those gentle pups that’s hard to tell if it’s asleep or awake, always leaning against your leg. The people that like these dogs never stop talking about how much fun it is.

The animals from hell are the Trump dogs and their owners. These are plodding, obnoxious dogs that sniff all over your guests and keep nudging them to be petted. They’re sneaky animals that pretend they can’t hear you when you start yelling about them having chewed up your shoes again. They’re the kind of dogs that keep dragging their butts across the rug. Their owners are just as bad, always telling people, ‘He might lick you to death but he’s never bitten anyone.”

It all makes you realize that, as a nation, we might be better off getting more cats.

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