PERRY: My pinko mea culpa to McNulty for having impugned the motives of one much closer to God

Dear state House Speaker Frank McNulty,

I feel like I have come to know you so well in the last several days. I want to apologize for having called you a mean-spirited, unintelligent jerk in my column last week. Clearly, I was mistaken. I can’t imagine what came over me.

Since last week, when you almost single-handedly made Colorado look like just another hate state, I’ve learned so much about you and others at the state Capitol.

My enlightenment has mostly come from your fans and followers, who have been only too happy to write and call me to point out the error of my ways in defending the rights of gay residents, and my abhorrence for political tomfoolery.

It was pointed out to me that you don’t hate gays, even though you went through amazing political contortions to ensure the House did not approve a civil unions bill. And it was a bill that had clear majority support in both houses. Nobody hates gays, a bunch of gay haters called to tell me. They just hate gays acting gay, and they really hate the idea of having a state law ensuring that gays can do just that.

Yeah, it’s kind of confusing to me, too. I think it’s kind of like that Emancipation Proclamation thing. It boils down to it being just fine with everyone that blacks and Mexicans and so forth should absolutely be made equal to white guys in the United States, as long as they act like white guys.

I understand that a lot of people in Colorado have no problem with blacks and Mexicans, and there should never be a law making it illegal to be black or Mexican, even though a lot of them aren’t from Mexico. But if Mexicans start talking in Spanish at Safeway or selling ice cream from carts on the streets, well, then we’re going to have a problem.

Same with blacks, I know most state lawmakers are fine with black people not straightening their hair or working in non-service-industry jobs, but when blacks start hanging out together in public, or wearing hoodies, or staring at white people, well, it just makes so many white people uncomfortable.

So I can understand that so many of your constituents would be freaked out by two guys holding hands in public, or even kissing each other, or making sure each other’s wishes are carried out in a medical emergency. It’s easy to see how it could really just be all about sex and making heterosexuals uncomfortable.

I feel badly now that you and your supporters were confronted with the idea of sex being a personal, private thing, and not something for the legislature to get involved in. Perhaps more of your supporters who helped me understand what kind of sex the Bible recommends against can tell where to find the kind of sex Bible authors endorse.

Now I understand why so many gay rights opponents get it that homosexuals can choose to get all hot and bothered over each other, but as a society, we can choose to make sure we don’t have to see it or even admit that it really goes on.

Likewise, black people choose to wear baggy pants and act black, and we’re perfectly within our rights as Coloradans to make sure they keep that kind of stuff at home. That unfortunate incident in Florida with the shot black kid makes it clear just how dangerous acting black can be for everyone.

And even if Mexicans want to speak Spanish, as Colorado taxpayers we shouldn’t have to have see grocery prices go up so stores can print everything in two languages. That kind of talk only makes it clear that they’re hiding something they don’t want white people to know.

People could even get hurt trying to order one thing at the Taco Bell drive-through and getting something completely different because of a language barrier. I clearly understand the important biblical lesson of Babel.

No, you and your followers are dead right, Frank. It may be that as a country, we have evolved to see that the rights of the whites should be extended to everyone, no matter if they are men or women, black or white, rich or poor, abled or disabled. But we have to make sure rights are guaranteed only to those who can’t choose their lots in life.

We should never make it special to be a gay person, for the same reason the law shouldn’t make it special to be a straight person. Gays and lesbians are perfectly free right now to choose their sexual preferences, just like you and I did. And let’s face it, who wouldn’t choose being straight in a world that makes it so hard to be gay? Or act black? Or speak another language.

Sorry, Frank, for having doubted you and your intentions. I get it now. I don’t have to threaten to move to Canada anymore, and take all those phone calls from your friends encouraging me to do just that.

Instead, I’m asking nicely that you pack up your show and take it somewhere else so the rest of Colorado’s godless, hypocritical, gay-lovin’, minority-backing, multi-lingual, pinko commie sissies can just keep ruining it for everybody.

Reach editor Dave Perry at 303-750-7555 or dperry@aurorasentinel.com