PERRY: A vote in 2015 for what really matters and a chance to get rid of Comcast for good

I know you couldn’t care less about almost everything the government does that doesn’t affect the Broncos, “Game of Thrones” or whether Caitlyn Jenner will date men or women. It’s the American way.

As the candidates in this year’s election rattle on about finance troubles created by metro districts and shifting paradigms all over the place, the collective eyes of the Colorado and Aurora voterate begin to roll.

It’s our disinterest in the details of democracy that explains Colorado Sen. Cory Gardner.

So here’s a list of stuff that we really care about, and politicians from city hall to Washington really need to get cracking on. Sure, we expect electeds to keep fighting our personal potholes, but really, the rest of the details about debt service all need to be kept to themselves. It makes it hard to elect the best person for the job when we don’t give a crap, so here’s a list of campaign promises that will reinvigorate out interest in this democracy thing. I’ll wave placards on Havana for the first candidate to sign onto at least half of these:

1. Mandatory jail sentences for people who sneak into the fast lane at the grocery store with more items than they’re allowed. I don’t care how old or stupid you are. Ten means 10, you jerk. Throw ‘em out of line, call the cops and give the miscreants one month in jail for every item over the limit.

2. Close the borders to immigrants from all other states until we widen I-70 from Kansas to Utah and fix the bottleneck on southbound I-225 at I-25. Sorry folks, we’re full. We just don’t have enough lanes to take one more car, and especially cars driven by millennial cretins from the northeast (What’s wrong with those people?) The alternative is a retroactive impact fee of $30,000 per person payable to the Colorado Department of Revenue for anyone who’s moved here in the last five years. Don’t like it? Plenty of room in Pueblo, folks.

3. Put dozens, nay, put fleets of police cars all over I-225 all day, every day to bust the freaks that think they don’t have to obey any traffic rules and risk all of our lives by driving like something out of a “Mad Max” movie. Where the hell are the cops on I-225? How am I supposed to safely keep at 5 to 10 mph over the speed limit when the weaving Dorks of Hazard are on my ass all times of the day and night?

4. Legalize fireworks. Oh, now don’t get that look on your face. You love ‘em just as much as I do. I’ve seen you gawk and “oooooooooh” at the Nuclear Blooming Lotus Conniption your neighbors paid $60 for. Everybody loves fireworks, and everybody loves to shoot them off. So a few folks lose a couple of fingers over it. You’ve got 10, and voice-activated stuff is getting better all the time. Let firefighters earn their money one night each year and let me light off one of those chickens that poops glowing green eggs without having heart palpitations every time a white car turns up my block.

5. Make it illegal to drive in Colorado when it snows or 24 hours after — unless motorists pass a special driver test, which almost all of you will surely flunk. I’m tired of spending winters behind some poor gak scared senseless and acting like they’re trying to get past the East Germans at Checkpoint Charlie in drag, and scaring the bejesus out of me. I’ve had it with all the mindless missing links careening down snowy roads like the laws of physics couldn’t possibly apply to their Ford Explorer. If you’re caught driving in the snow without an Ice Card, we ship you to Georgia.

6. Fix the price of health insurance. I don’t care what other programs get cut or what you have to do, I don’t want to pay this much for health insurance any more. Every place worth living on this planet, and a bunch of places where I would never live, have free or truly affordable healthcare, except here. If doctors have to take pay cuts and hospitals quit making profits, too damn bad. Cut the U.S. military in half for all I care. I want what Sweden’s got.

7. Dissolve Comcast. I don’t want to talk about it. They had their chance. Just make them go away.

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