Well, well, well. Pardon me while I have the last laugh at the expense of every Colorado town that’s taken a shot at Aurora.
Next week, municipal wonks and government types from all over the state will gather together to fight for $50 million in Colorado cash to build something that will draw far-away tourists and their wallets to the Centennial State.
The list of contenders has been narrowed to six, and I feel comfortable in saying that no matter how weird it seems to you that people would pay thousands of dollars to fly to Aurora to pretend to be in the Wild West, it’s going to happen. Here’s the best part: All those times folks from near and far smirked when they had some smart-ass comment about Aurora, well, look who’s eating your dinner.
Let’s turn the tables now and analyze other Colorado places that feel they have the best plan to snag the golden goose egg and reinvent tourism in Colorado.
Behind curtain Number One: Pueblo. Hahahahahahaha. Sorry. Seriously, Pueblo wants to build a riverwalk extravaganza on the Arkansas River, when there’s water in it, I guess, and open up a movie theater, a hotel and some “moderate income residential housing.” Whoa. Guess I’m cancelling my European extravaganza and booking a real-live hotel room on the banks of the exotic Arkansas River in fabulous downtown Pueblo.
Not.
Next up for hopefuls is another “riverfront” barn-burner, this one in the prodigious burg of Glendale. Yes, it’s a city, not a mailing address for Shotgun Willie’s. Glendale types want state money to create a place along the roaring Cherry Creek to put bleachers and some concrete for outdoor events. Yowsa. Nothing says, “Big Colorado Vacation” like some time with the skeeters and skunks along Cherry Creek to listen to bands that can’t get bookings in real venues. And when you just can’t stand any more fun? There’s always shopping at Target or eating at any of the multitude of dollar-a-scoop Chinese chow-houses in the area.
Gong.
It gets better. Estes Park, that bastion of “real Colorado” — for Texans —wants millions of your tax dollars to paint and steam-clean the musty Elkhorn Lodge and make it a year-round vacation-of-a-lifetime super-destination. Look for big draws like indoor putt-putt, a plastic climbing wall and elk bugling classes. Why would anyone want to change Estes Park? It’s already perfect with the world’s largest assortment of saltwater taffy and gen-u-ine tom-tom drums.
Go fish.
Three jeers for the city of Montrose, a place way out west that thinks it’s in the mountains but is as flat and dusty as Goodland, Kansas and only half as famous. They want millions of state tax dollars to do things like pave their streets, put up a few signs pointing to directions where real tourist attractions might be and putting up an RV park.
Bleh.
Here’s the ripper, though: Douglas County, that bulwark of culture and dynamism, wants to build, wait for it — a soccer park that’s built around the theme of woolly mammoths. Snort. “Kids, I cancelled the cruise. We’re going to breathtaking Highlands Ranch to kick a little ball in the ‘burbs, suck up some of the world’s finest chain-restaurant food and check out old elephant bones.” What else would a wild-and-crazy bastion of Republicans think of but a vanilla-flavored getaway that highlights extinct elephants?
Fail.
Now, I’ve sneered a little at what is certainly going to be a giant Aurora hotel with rows of mechanical bull riding in the lobby and way too many cowboy boots and hats in the halls, but really, out of this list of possibilities, at long last, Aurora has finally risen to the top. Welcome to the new capital of the Old West.
Reach editor Dave Perry at 303-750-7555 or dperry@aurorasentinel.com