Somewhere, French horns are serenading white swans. White-gloved men are softly playing cornets to sleeping silver spoons — or something.
And the 2012 Jaguar XJL purrs alone in a velvet garage with butlers festooned head-to-toe in goose down.
OK, so you get that the XJL is smooth, really smooth. I mean the XJL makes Barry White sound like The Black Keys.
For the money, approximately $102,000 as tested, it better be. But that’s not what makes the Jaguar so interesting.
In the land of long-wheelbase hyper-luxury sedans, the Jag is fourth fiddle to the Germans, and for the likes of me, I can’t figure out why.
In case you’re wondering, there are three main competitors for dignitary money that unwashed masses like us won’t see the Alancatra hides of anytime soon. The Mercedes Benz S550, BMW 7-series and Audi A8L and the Jaguar XJL are the chief competitors in a segment dominated by Wall Street executives and Communist Party officials in China.
All four are long wheelbase versions of super-sedans built to be driven in and not driven themselves.
All four can be optioned up to gross domestic product-type dough. And all four are longer than Titanic — both movie and ship.
Let’s examine.
For starters the Jaguar XJL is the long-wheelbase version of the XJ sedan. The XJ has steadily been Jaguar’s lone go-to car for several decades, and somehow maintained its prestige through X-Type and S-Type brand dilution.
You know the old XJ type? Tight faces? Bulging pocketbooks? “Get the fur out of storage, Harold” folks?
Right. Blue bloods.
Two years ago, Jaguar turned that upside down by unleashing the new XJ, which fell more in line with design chief Ian Callum’s overall vision. The XJ closely followed the XF’s sleek exterior — so much so, in fact, that from the front, they’re nearly impossible to tell apart.
But the XJ doesn’t nip and tuck where the XF must for cost savings. The XJ is the designer dress to the XF’s off-the-rack look. The XJ is gorgeous like Elle MacPherson. In fact, Elle pulled the curtain off the car in London in 2009.
But even the XJ’s exterior beauty doesn’t outshine what’s inside.
For starters, the XJ comes in three engine options: 5.0-liter natural, supercharged and “My stars, Jeeves!” supersports, with 385, 470 and 510 horsepower respectively.
From there, buyers can opt for the longer wheelbase version, the XJL, to add 5 inches of rear legroom in the back. While Jaguar insists all six models are “drivers” cars, the larger version assumes that “driver” is someone you keep on staff.
Nonetheless, whoever is behind the wheel will be treated to some of the best driving in its class.
The XJL’s light subframe up front is directly mounted to the body, giving a firm response from inside-out cornering and road feel. In back, the rear multi-link suspension is fitted with cast aluminum springs and coils to keep the tail agile and nimble. As always, the XJL is grunt in the front, power in the back, so don’t expect all-wheel drive grip in the snow. Instead, Jaguar packs the XJ with traction management systems called Adaptive Dynamics and Active Differential Control, which won’t matter much because if you’re buying this in snow country, it’ll be parked next to your Range Rover.
Despite having a wheelbase of over 10 feet, the Jaguar has the distinct ability to communicate road feel from all four corners through the wheel. Turn-in for the XJL isn’t what you’d call sharp, but it’s no slouch either. Turn on sport mode, and the XJL firms up and sprints to 60 mph in around 5 seconds, in any model.
Quick enough, I’d say, to outrun several third-world snipers and crushing Wall Street debt.
Speaking of that cat-like sprint: At full-throttle the Jaguar sounds like expensive suede muffling an atomic bomb. It’s beautiful and frightening, all at once. Magnifique.
Not that you can hear much of it. Inside the XJL does its best to insulate passengers from common riffraff.
Ever wet your pants listening to morning commute radio? You can now. The XJL can be optioned up to a 7.1 surround sound, Bowers & Wilkins stereo with 20 speakers (20?!) and 1,200 watts. The Jaguar XJ is also the first automotive application for something called Dolby Pro Logic IIx technology, which is impressive if you’re George Lucas.
Want more fun numbers?
The XJ features more than 20 inches of high-definition displays between its center console and instrument cluster. The only thing clearer than the XJL’s high-def gauges is the sign from God that I need to rob a bank to buy one of these cars.
Gas mileage isn’t great, but you don’t care about that.
Two things are important about cars like the XJL, A8L, S-class and 7-series.
First, how special do you feel in them? Everywhere you go in the XJL feels like an event. From the speed to the sound, leather to rubber, every inch of the XJL feels special.
Second, how will you be seen in cars like these? Well considering the Jag’s unmatched swagger on the outside, I’d say it’s hard not to see you coming from a mile away.
Just make sure you wipe down their fingerprints with a clean cloth chamois moistened in angel tears. This thing’s expensive.
Aaron Cole is a syndicated auto columnist. He knows he’s wrong, but he’d like to hear it from you. Reach him at aaron.m.cole@gmail.com.