More often than the sun rises these days, I’m forced to ping my inner Dorothy Parker and ask, “what fresh hell is this?”
I mean, I survived cyclamates, backpacking solos, a pandemic, and even the Trump presidency. How much more am I expected to endure?
It’s not like I hate everything, but check this out and see if my recent rounds in yet another circle of the abyss qualify for your own Oh-Hell-No list.
We all know that a horde of invaders from the Great State of Entitled have descended upon Colorado in the last several years. Safe, or even reasonable, driving is totally not their thing.
It started with the occasional ass-hat in an Audi or something texting in a Mercedes weaving through speeding traffic on a local interstate. The occasional spectacle then became an almost daily occurrence. Each day, growing numbers of Death Race 2020 drivers would do the wild weave not just in cars that cost as much as my house, but in dubious beaters that don’t even look road worthy. The double trouble plaguing local highways for the past couple of years has evolved into entitled drivers, totally without the skills they need, driving dangerous cars at ludicrous speeds on Denver’s crappy roads.
Now, joining the black parade down I-25 and I-225, are a convoy of pick-up trucks, the State Behemoth of Colorado.
Twice each day as I make my risky commute to the newsroom, I watch in horror as giant pick-ups that handle as nimbly as a cement truck plow and weave through speeding interstate traffic, which in the summer always includes a handful of motorcycles. What could go wrong?
Tractor truck trouble pales, however, to the Are-You-Serious fear factor a local gun nut whipped up this week. Sentinel Reporter Quincy Snowdon talked with neighbors of Jeffrey Mitchell Moralez, 42, who now lives in an Arapahoe County jail but until Tuesday lived in the Chaparral Condos in south Aurora. Neighbors said Moralez has been the local Angry Man for months, regularly dispensing vulgarities for no reason at whomever he deemed worthy. This week, Moralez upped his grump by strapping on a handgun and parading around the condo grounds. Mean man with an attitude and a loaded gun? What could go wrong?
This is Colorado, folks. It’s home of the Congressperson Lauren Boebert, who says she needs her hog-leg tied to her thigh at all times to protect her from the rampant crime wave in her Rifle hamlet, murderous Democrats inside the nation’s Capitol and the growing number of level-headed Americans who finally get it that more guns makes for more murders.
If you didn’t know, it’s perfectly legal to pack your pistol or bird blaster and wander outside just about anywhere for the show. The red blooded Type 2A Negatives in Aurora go through waves of this weird ballistic exhibitionism. The cops came when Moralez exposed his piece, horrifying neighbors, and reported there was no law being broken. He later went on a shooting rampage from his condo and held police and neighbors at bay, shooting endless rounds at a police tank. Amazingly, no one was seriously hurt or killed in the shoot-out.
How bad was it? Police Chief Vanessa Wilson summed it up perfectly saying an officer told her, “It’s the worst I’ve ever seen.”
It would be too easy to say, “there ought to be a law,” but there is a law. Sure, it will be a long investigation into why police were called to his condo by neighbors 24 times since June 24 and nothing tripped Colorado’s Red Flag law, allowing law enforcers or others to go to court to get guns away from mentally ill people who shouldn’t have them. The law there really needs to be in Aurora is a law against parading your gun in public.
Only Denver currently bans public gun exhibitionism. Aurora — just weeks ago empowered by the State Legislature to create its own common-sense gun laws — needs to join Denver in making it illegal to wear your gun like a phone. Had Aurora had this law this week, police could have easily had reason to start a Red Flag case. More importantly, banning ammosexuals from thrilling themselves and scaring everyone else with their exhibitionist stunts can be limited to towns that love this stuff. Like Rifle. Not here.
Finally, fresh hell has erupted in my urban yard, which has become an unnerving real-time episode of Wild Kingdom. It seems that the oddly bleach-blond skittish squirrels have become ill from eating either the bat guano accumulating in my yard or the heinous Japanese beetle infestation in the flower pots where the squirrels hide their booty. Whatever, it’s resulted in a form of explosive rodent diarrhea I only dared, previously, to have bad dreams about. This has put off the roving gang of violent raccoons, who are suffering their own neighborhood bout of irritable bowel syndrome from gorging nightly on the prolific mulberry crop on my block. In another case of “there really ought to be a law” it would be to require funding for an animal control department large and skilled enough to be charged with the immediate removal of any species with feces calamities. Maybe send them to Rifle.
Reach @EditorDavePerry on Twitter or Facebook or reach him at 303-750-7555 or [email protected]