I’m a great fan of Greek tragedy, probably because of its obvious parallels to journalism.
Most tragic right now is the Sisyphean election cycle I and all of you are condemned to for all eternity.
For decades, and I’m talking very many of them, I’ve been like so many of you, taking it all in as seriously as I could. While I’ve never been one to sit quietly, I’m actually pretty much a go-along, get-along kind of guy.
When it comes to elections and political candidates, I listen, consider and then shoot my mouth off. Then I move on.
Then came Donald Trump.
I’ll just insert here that almost every single newspaper in the country not only didn’t endorse Trump for president, but seriously conservative and liberal newspaper editorial pages alike begged and pleaded for you not to vote for Trump for the very reasons that have now become painfully apparent to the nation and the entire planet.
So I’m done with business as usual. These are the rules of engagement for political candidates and campaigns this time around, Colorado.
1. Answer the goddamn question. First and foremost, cut the double-talk, diversion and sidestepping. If I ask a candidate if they think Donald Trump’s lies are a symptom of mental illness or depravity, I don’t want to hear about that every lie can be based on some nugget of truth. Is Trump a nut case or a degenerate, and what the hell are you going to do about it? If I ask how we’re going to pay for thousands of miles of new asphalt in Colorado or cheap health care for everyone, I don’t want to hear that we simply have no choice or that it’s up to the next Legislature to work out those details. Either put up or shut up. I want to drive to Kansas without jarring the fillings out of my teeth. How are you going to pay for that? What, exactly, are you going to cut?
2. If your military credentials were so all-fired important to American voters, every veteran in this country would be treated like the heroes they are instead of having to beg for jobs, health care and a fair shake. Nobody cares which branch you served in or what your rank was or how that gives you a step up over your competitor’s military tenure. Thank you for your selfless service. Now what are you going to so about the cost of prescription drugs? Climate change? Long lift lines at Colorado ski areas? Just last week, the two candidates running for Aurora’s congressional district, incumbent GOP Congressman Mike Coffman and Democratic challenger Jason Crow, couldn’t wait until the polls closed to start parading their military creds all over the Twitterverse and media-verse. We got that you both served. Are you going to make it a crime to hire an undocumented worker or not?
3. Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell are off limits. Let’s just stipulate that we all hate them all, and we pretty much do. Really, Ryan doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Aurora voters and neither does Pelosi. Stick to the real issues: Kneeling NFL stars, hurting Justin Trudeau’s feelings and keeping gas prices under $1.50 a gallon.
4. The only thing we want to hear you say in your TV campaign ads is why you won’t get a real job. I don’t want to hear you talk crap about your opponent, that’s my job. I don’t want to hear you say that you love America/Colorado/freedom/flags or protecting our way of life. You’re running for office because you like to call the shots. You love to be in control and have people treat you like you’re special. Don’t be ashamed, just get on TV and tell the truth, briefly. Very briefly. “Hi, I’m Dave Perry, and I want to decide what age you can retire. You can’t. Vote for me.” The exception to this rule is if you’ve got something good on your opponent. Really good. I’m talking binge eating with a feed bag behind a Taco Bell at 3 a.m. or six spouses in six cities. Otherwise, don’t bother.
5. Stop making me think your email is from someone who knows and cares about me, instead of just another endless request for money. I don’t have any money. If I did have money, I’d pay someone to delete your beg-o-gram here in Colorado while I was skiing in Chile. Instead, I pause a second when you say, ‘Hey’ Dave. I need you to glance at this real quick…” If you want money, put that in the subject line of your email so I can ignore it like I do just about every other email.
6. Most important, tell me things I really need to know about you. Tell me things that I use to judge everyone I meet. Who’s your favorite character on Bob’s Burgers? Your favorite episode? Is a hot dog a sandwich? What’s the best beer? How do you pronounce “Saguache?” “La Veta?” “Pueblo?” Do you support a nationwide effort to eradicate squirrels? Yes? Let’s talk.
Follow @EditorDavePerry on Twitter and Facebook or reach him at 303-750-7555 or dperry@SentinelColorado.com