PERRY: Don’t give a teacher a fish, teach him how to shoot an active killer, and other NRA delusions


Being a consummate daydreamer, I’m loathe to be the fun crusher for America’s powerful delusion that things are really OK, but things are wrong on an ancient-Rome-is-burning kind of level.

Let me point out just one thing that should attract your attention away from the mind-numbing endless rerun of “Things That Go Trump In The Night.”   

This is real: After another couple dozen American children were shot dead and injured Feb. 14 during yet another school massacre, Republicans in Colorado and across the country fell behind a plan to let teachers bring guns to school for show and shell.

Gun laws don’t save lives, Republicans say. More guns in schools do.

The idea is that if a kid starts shooting up the school, Mr. Armbuster can reach for the hog leg nestled in his BVDs, run out into the hall, identify the bad boy among hundreds and hundreds of terrified, panicked students, and go all ready, aim, fire on the bad kid. He will be clearly marked as “student-shooter,” separate himself from everyone around him and stand perfectly still so Mr. A can lodge one right between the kid’s beady eyes before returning to class for a quick diffy-q quiz before Mr. A’s own kids even began to miss him.

President Trump and the National Rifle Association heartily back this daydream. So there’s that.

In Colorado Springs — which has attracted just about every right-wing fanatic not moored in Southern California, forsaken swaths of the Midwest and places in Texas your friends warned you about — a group of these far-right fanatics have set a up a Faculty/Administrator Safety Training and Emergency Response program to take this on. They say FASTER teaches teachers in three days what most cops have to spend months, if not years, learning. It’s OK, because the teacher teachers are real cops. If you saw Melissa McCarthy in “The Heat” and “Spy,” you know this can really happen.

The main voice behind this Colorado nightmare is a woman named Laura Carno from — yup — Colorado Springs. She told 9News anchor Kyle Clark in February that she knows of at least one student in Texas who said he or she feels “protected” by a teacher with a gat, and that America should listen to that kid. As for all those hundreds of thousands of kids who’ve been rallying and protesting here and across the country and think Carno and Co. should be voted off the island, now? Well, they should be ignored because they don’t know what they’re talking about.

If you’re wondering why half of Texas seems to be moving to Denver these days, you don’t have to wonder very long.

Carno relates to Clark that during the comprehensive, three-day Doctorate of Deadeye training teachers receive, which costs $1,000 and hopefully includes an NRA lapel pin, teachers, who normally just kill a good time, are taught everything they need to know to kill a student. Somewhere between lunch and the segment instructing teachers that the pointy end of the bullet goes to the front of the gun, teachers deal with the “mindset” thing it takes to shoot a kid to death.

Well, they’re not kids, Carno says. They’re “monsters.” Even though that little monster might have been your favorite student before lunch, they can bring back that sweet, legal AK-15 their daddy got them for Christmas and become a “monster” that has to be put down like a mean dog.

This is where it gets inconvenient to point out that  Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooter Nikolas Cruz blended right in with students after shooting up the school and walked away with all the other kids. Real cops in the real world can tell you real monsters don’t look like the ones in the movies.

But reality has nothing to do with this scheme. In less time than it takes to learn long division, teachers can learn to do that lock n’ load thing that brings a smile to ammophiliac faces that not even a gay wedding cake can diminish. After a lecture, a YouTube video and popping off a few rounds on the range, a willing social studies teacher is able to take out an active shooter just like that kid over there. No, not there. I mean that one there crouched down on the floor with the gun. No wait, that’s a phone. That one. There. That’s him. The kid just standing there while everybody else runs for cover. Wait. I think he’s deaf. OK, well, that one. No. That one. Just shoot. We’ll sort it out later.

And so this is the GOP plan to end the plague of dead and maimed kids who just happened to go to school. Teachers with guns. Teachers — with — guns.

America doesn’t need fewer assault weapons or more gun laws, as Carno and the rabid right point out, we need teachers who — even though have judgment so impaired that their “favorite student” is actually a murderous monster — are willing and able to instantly rectify their faux pas with a well-aimed slug to body of the correct monster running through the cafeteria, gym or atrium.

And it takes only three days to do it. Think of it as the Rocky Mountain Horror Picture Show with Carno singing out to simple minded liberals that in “just 72 hours” she can make you a plan.

Teachers. With guns.

If all or any of this sounds reasonable, there’s a kid in some forsaken town in Texas who needs you. The rest of us, however, need these far-right adults to leave the room so the sensible kids protesting this dream-state nonsense can do something that matters.

Follow @EditorDavePerry on Twitter and Facebook or reach him at 303-750-7555 or [email protected]