QUID HAS HEARD that the Aurora Sentinel now has proof positive that the world will not end on Dec. 21, as some say the Mayans predicted when their calendar ran out of room.

Despite the highly scientific analysis leading to the doomsday conclusion that has so many worried about whether to go big on Christmas gift giving this year or head to Family Dollar Store for gift shopping tonight, and then Vegas tomorrow to do the end of the world right, here’s a clue: The world ends next July when superintendents of both Aurora school districts apply for Social Security. That’s right. Both APS super duper John Barry and Cherry Creek superwoman Mary Chesley are giving it up next summer, not next week. Clearly they know something you don’t: Get the new Xboxes and don’t invest in fireworks next year.

AND QUID HAS HEARD that even though the writing isn’t exactly on the wall about whether global warming is about to ruin the good life in the Centennial State, the fire is on the mountain. Forest fires in December? One decent run at A-Basin? It’s the end of the world as we know it, and anyone who says otherwise is Sarah Palin. Somebody needs to do something before Kansas captures our ski industry and Smoky Bear becomes a refugee to Canada.

AND QUID HAS HEARD that Century 16 Theater owners have gone all out in remodeling its Aurora mall theater where one of the worst massacres in the country’s history took place. After some serious controversy about whether to reopen or raze the theater, Cinemark says they’ll reopen the theater Jan. 17 with these fabulous changes: The theater numbers have been changed to theater letters, so Theater 9 where accused shooter James Holmes did most of his killing, will cleverly have a whole new name; and there will be part of a new sign outside the building. Wow. Pretty sensitive and responsive bunch, those cinema types are.

AND QUID HAS HEARD that despite Gov. John Hickenlooper’s claim that he was able to avoid an interplanetary media circus when he announced he had sneakily signed the document that will bring Christmas early to Colorado residents by making wacky tobacky legal, it was those who are the prime beneficiaries of the end of pot prohibition that get credit for the lack of a made-for-TV get-high-palooza. They got stoned and they missed it.

AND THAT’S ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS