PERRY: Look at him now. Trump frames Colorado Capitol portrait as ‘distortion’

Sorry to drag you through yet another “wait, what?” moment of our Aurora lives smothered in President Donald Trump, but this is just too Trumpy to hold back.

No, really. I know that every 15 minutes we all look at our doom scroll with the expectation of saying, “You’ve got to be kidding,” about something new  President Nebbish Naranja horked out.

While trying Sunday night to do what my family calls “real work,” which to them is anything that doesn’t involve reporting about Trump, my phone started lighting up from fellow doomscrollers asking suddenly, “Why does Trump hate Aurora so much?”

Never a good sign.

I said what I’ve said more times since Trump was re-elected than I’ve said my entire very long life. 

“Huh?”

Trump wrote on Truth Social that he’s “getting complaints” about his portrait that hangs in the Colorado Capitol, and he’s blaming Gov. Jared Polis, who invited millions of Venezuelan gangsters into Aurora, which destroyed it.

“But Trump says he saved it,” my pal said. “See ya.”

It turns out, Trump just now discovered the 2018 Colorado “Pooty Portraitgate.”

Back then, we all had a good laugh when a painting of Russian President Vladimir Putin mysteriously appeared on an easel inside the state Capitol near a place reserved for portraits of U.S. presidents. Trump’s own likeness had been missing from that revered spot since he’d been elected in 2016. But because nobody seemed to want to pony up the cash to hire a portrait artist, and because it was Trump, nobody seemed to care.

The Pooty Portrait was a prank pulled off, seamlessly, by Ian Silvierri, a principal wag at ProgressNow Colorado, who sneaked it in and got a Democratic legislative helper in big trouble.

If you’re like most of us here in 2018, you’re shocked — shocked and dismayed — that a State Capitol Democratic aide would sink so low as to help prank a painting of Pooty into the Colorado Capitol just to stick a thumb in the misty eyes of those who blindly support President Heel Spurs.

Or not. Mostly not.

After some serious gnashing of Republican molars, Trump fans agreed to raise a whopping 10-extra-large to have someone bring artistry to Trump’s face.

For ten grand, they got the same artist who painted President Obama for his place on the Colorado Capitol wall.

The work was, umm, pretty much what you’d expect. It totally looked like Trump in 2019, except for his skin looked kind of normal, not like that 1970s orange-American Motors Pacer thing he does to his face. And his face was kind of puffy like it looks when he sweats off his makeup on the golf course. But mostly, artist Sarah Boardman managed to make him look almost human. Kind of wistful in a science-fiction dystopian disaster movie kind of way.

They hanged the thing, and we all moved on. Now we’re moving back.

Somehow, Dealin’ Don the White House Car Guy got a glimpse of the portrait and remarked that it looked nothing like the mug on all his MAGA swag.

Trump said on Truth Social that it was “distorted.”

“Nobody likes a bad picture or painting of themselves, but the one in Colorado, in the State Capitol, put up by the Governor, along with all other Presidents, was purposefully distorted to a level that even I, perhaps, have never seen before,” Trump wrote.

“Even I?” It’s hard to tell here if he’s admitting that nobody does distortion like Daddy Donny does distortion, or, perhaps, he has spent his entire life looking for distorted portraits and really knows his stuff.

Trump added that “Radical Left Governor, Jared Polis” is extremely weak on Crime in particular with respect to Tren de Aragua, which practically took over Aurora (Don’t worry, we saved it!).”

No one told President Tren Wreck that his Lost Aurora lies went off the rails weeks ago, and that Polis had absolutely nothing to do with making Trump’s face, shirt-pinched neck waddle, burnt-orange Scott Towel skin or Cowabunga comb-over creation.

Whatever it was, it immediately drew people to the Capitol Wall O’ Presidents on Monday, where fans and foes ogled the strokes of genius. 

“I think it looks like him. I guess he’s smoother than all the other ones,” Kaylee Williamson, an 18-year-old Trump supporter from Arkansas told an Associated Press reporter. “I think it’s fine.”

Polis spokesperson Shelby Wieman offered the most endearing comment to the AP in a statement. She said team Polis was “surprised to learn the President of the United States is an aficionado of our Colorado State Capitol and its artwork.”

This was our mile-high moment, folks.

“We appreciate the President and everyone’s interest in our Capitol building and are always looking for any opportunity to improve our visitor experience.” 

A few hours later, Colorado legislative Republicans, who kind of own the painting and all of this, said they’ll take it down, raise another ten-large or so and find another painter.

How would you like that job? Who with any painting genes would sell out to paint that comb-over with a straight face, and then sign it?

Maybe hold a contest at one of those places where you take a date, drink fruity beer and paint for a few hours. Of course the dating thing could be an obstacle. I doubt the neo-cons would get far on Tinder, Grindr or Hinge. I wonder if there’s an app like that for far-right extremists. Bummr? Whynr?

Maybe just try AI and spend the money on a nice frame.

 Follow @EditorDavePerry on BlueSky, Threads, Mastodon, Twitter and Facebook or reach him at 303-750-7555 or dperry@SentinelColorado.com