PERRY: Thankful I’ve got a wishbone to pick again over a new feast of gripes

I’ll be the first to admit I’m the type of guy whose first instinct is to recall all I’m resentful of as we pass around the pleasantly dry Thanksgiving rolls on Turkey Day, or every day, rather than note all the blessings bestowed upon me by fate, luck or whimsy of the gods.

But after decades — a lot of them — spent shaking my head while watching stuff happen on this planet, I’ve found myself more frequently starting sentences with “Well, thank God that…”

So I guess I do find myself pretty thankful these days, as the world rolls toward ending another first year of Guess What Trump Did Today? and other assorted eldritch.

So here’s what I found myself thankful for this year:

• I’m thankful that the vast majority of people who live in the United States are having a mutual epiphany about Donald Trump, not unlike people who bought a second Chevy Vega, New Coke, a Segway, White Mulberry Trees, avocado slicers, and Tesla Cybertrucks. What were they thinking?

• I’m thankful that I have no shame in paying 10 cents for a paper bag at the grocery store, so I don’t have to do the bagless walk of shame with a cart filled with groceries falling out of the cart all the way to my car.

• I’m thankful I can’t smell whatever is in my car that my wife and daughter can.

• I’m thankful for the scientific method, that I understand it, and that I stand behind it.

• I’m thankful that Health Secretary RFK Jr. just keeps talking.

• I’m thankful that most of my friends and family members I see each year at Thanksgiving understand that the turkey dinner thing was actually a cruel practical joke played on Americans by early pioneers.

• I’m thankful that as a nation, we continue to argue about the seriousness of the failed Jan. 6 insurrection instead of suffering under its success.

• I’m thankful the weather is frequently brutal at Colorado’s best — not biggest — ski areas, and that flat-landers tire easily and are fine just hanging in the lodge.

• I’m thankful I’m genuinely amused by the stupid things I do, frequently, and that none of them have so far resulted in my severe injury or death.

• I’m thankful I don’t have the time or inclination to watch TV.

• I’m thankful my addictions to extravagant foods, wines, brews and coffees don’t require me to shoot them up or hunt down a supplier who never takes off his coat.

• I’m thankful that my daughter and friends cull their TikTok and Instagram reels and send me just the greatest hits.

• I’m thankful that I know what Aurora is really like, and that I really like eating, shopping and hanging with the amazing people from all over the planet who live and work here.

• I’m thankful that my wife is now a snow snob and OK with skiing in freaky places under terrible conditions just for those few minutes of ecstasy.

• I’m thankful both for my addiction to excellent and plentiful espresso and coffee, even at night, and that my body is still OK with that.

• I’m thankful I didn’t have the money for Ozempic and had to lose weight by eating less.

• I’m thankful that I work with really smart and funny journalists who care as deeply as I do that you know as much as we can find out about everything that does and doesn’t matter to everyone. 

• I’m thankful that police radar and body cams can’t read my thoughts as I imagine all the horrible things that could happen to the ass-hats on Interstate 225 during rush hour every morning and every night.

• I’m thankful that despite all the risks and jerks that visit area grocery stores, workers there keep showing up and always seem so amazingly kind and cool, even on holidays.

• I’m thankful my friends around the world are as aghast at the far-right nut-jobs elected to the U.S. Congress as I am. 

• I’m thankful that, unlike cheap bourbon whiskey, cheap Irish whiskey is totally drinkable.

• I’m thankful that as I grow old, I don’t mind it.

• I’m thankful I neither say, understand, nor must suffer, “the shoe is on the other foot.”

• I’m thankful that I still believe that you should just go for it, because you can sleep when you’re dead.

• I’m thankful that my tolerance for physical pain has increased proportionately with my advancing age.

• I’m thankful that my family doctor has a good sense of humor.

• I’m thankful you actually can buy happiness, and it doesn’t always cost much, and that I sometimes have enough money to prove that. Korean dumplings on Havana Street, French feta cheese at Arash Market, Pain au Chocolat at Bánh & Butter Bakery Café, Iraqi flat bread on Parker Road and the tortilla soup at La Cueva on Colfax are all affordable bliss.

• I’m thankful that I’m pretty much OK with people telling me how much they hate me and how they like to read my blathering columns whenever they can to reinforce that.

• I’m thankful that because it’s Colorado, I can wear short pants to work every day, year-round, and nobody pays much attention to it.

• I’m thankful I have friends in places like Texas and Florida who give me confidence that not everyone is like the people running those wretched and creepy places.

• I’m thankful that with newspaper writing, you can only write what fits.

 Follow @EditorDavePerry on BlueSky, Threads, Mastodon, Twitter and Facebook or reach him at 303-750-7555 or dperry@SentinelColorado.com