PERRY: Tea Pee crashers leave me no choice but to beg Dick Cheney to come back and save us all


Dear Dick Cheney,

I am so sorry I threw such a fit about your tenure in the White House along with the guy with the Texas accent. I didn’t know what was coming, and how good we all had it.

cheney for perryI can’t believe I used to worry endlessly about that torture thing and how important it is that the American government be able to waterboard a few suspected enemies to save the lives of our own citizens. Who knew that there would be a new sect of Republicans down the road that prefer to torture themselves and other Americans?

It seems silly that I spent so much time wringing my hands over you and that Texas dude dragging America into a war with Iraq, based on trumped-up suspicions and outright lies about weapons of mass destruction. I never suspected that you would be usurped by Tea Party-poopers who would threaten to nuke the U.S. economy if we don’t declare war on Obamacare.

What was I thinking? I long for the days when we endlessly worried about how you and Texas man pulled the plug on the U.S. budget surplus and drained it by granting big, fat tax breaks to those lucky Americans with big, fat paychecks. The threat of the economic meltdown that came to pass when American fat-cats stole everyone’s money pales in comparison to what’s going to happen when America quits paying its bills because tea baggers believe it’s either no big deal, or that governing by terrorism is kinda cool.

I have to chuckle now about worrying when you presided over the devaluation of the dollar, even below that of the Canadian buck. Those were the good old days.

Since then, while most of America was being polite or disinterested, tea-part-ers have moved in like a bad brother-in-law who now insists that he has lived here so long, that he now owns the place and wants the rest of us to leave.

You can’t argue with him, because he’s ‘coon crazy, the kind of person who responds to charges like that with, “I know you are, but what am I?” And now, this scary creep has poured gasoline all over his basement bedroom and is threatening to light a match if we don’t meet his demands of serving bologna for breakfast, lunch and dinner and killing the worthless cat.

So what are we going to do? It’s too late to wish we’d never let these morons in the House. If we give in to his blackmail, he’ll only kill the cat himself and make us bring him fried bologna-Twinkie sandwiches.

Dick, you were shrewd enough at one point to get you and that Texas guy appointed to top White House jobs. You got yourself a new ticker at age 70. Surely you can help us figure a way out of this mess, other than taking the Tea Parlay on a hunting trip. The Democrats and President Obama are stumped.

I know we have to stop referring to Tea Party leaders as “conservatives” or “hard-line conservatives.” These people are right-wing radicals. They are a minority in their own conservative party. Orrin Hatch is a conservative. Tom Coburn is a conservative. You were a conservative, Dick. Ted Cruz and Tom Graves are to conservatives as what Sayyid Qutb and Muhammad Abdal-Salam Faraj are to Muslims. Call them what they are: right-wing extremists.

These people recently piled into a Washington convention of Tea Party dreams to listen to breakout sessions like these:

• Responding to the Tough Questions on Marriage, Religious Liberty and More

• Values and Obamacare: The Threat to Religious Freedom, Life and the Family

• Standing Up to the Assaults on Our Faith

• Is It Too Late to Reclaim America

• The War on Football: Saving America’s Game

• Where Do We Go From Here? Challenging Tyranny

• The People Chasm: How Demographic Decline Endangers the Future of Freedom

Oh, Dick, how I miss my freak-out sessions over trickle-down economics and pillaging the environment for the sake of cheap oil and big profits. I pine for the days of kicking around welfare queens and ludicrously expensive military contractor deals.

Dick, I nominate you for president. It took someone like you to get that Texas dude into Washington, I don’t see anyone else clever enough to get the Tea Totalitarians out. I promise I won’t say a word this time.


Reach editor Dave Perry at 303-750-7555 or [email protected]

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Brandt Hardin
8 years ago

Isn’t old crow Cheney the most vile and despicable excuse for a human being ever to set foot in the White House? He’s a vulture and a war-profiteer whose effigy should be lit afire in the streets every day he still walks around a free man. See some art and words defining his role in architecting a Society of Fear at

tom sanders
tom sanders
8 years ago
Reply to  Brandt Hardin

NOT REALLY….i find you’re prositute mother more discussting.

tom sanders
tom sanders
8 years ago

WOW……take a real good look at who the immoral extremist really is……saying having conversations regarding faith…freedom…pc correctness…is extremist…..see how bitter racist extremist this dave perry is that is the editor of this paper….he is the real danger….you can’t have any opposition to democratic policy without being called a extremist….that’s the danger of these extremist and hypocrites.